The Terminal
Starring: Tom Hanks, Catherine Zeta-Jones
Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Check out Naked's uncensored review as well as images and the trailer on his new website:
THENAKEDCRITIC.COM
Let me tell you what happened on the day I saw "The Terminal" I got into work 20 minutes late.
Bossman yelled at me. I then had to cram at least 2 days worth of work into one day, so I could arrange for my trip to San Francisco
without leaving the people at Day Job stranded. Bossman yelled at me some more. Bossman yelled at me some more. 10 things popped up all 10
minutes before I was supposed to leave the office, meaning that I had to stay much later than anticipated. Bossman yelled at me some more.
And finally, I had to take a cab to the theatre to catch the screening, only realizing halfway there that I was heading to the wrong
theatre, meaning that the cab driver had to double back. I got home AFTER the screening, having several hours of prep-work ahead of me, not
to mention packing. This was at 10pm, roughly 6 hours before I was supposed to get up to catch my flight. And I was OUT OF BEER.
Shitty day, right? Well, not as shitty as Merhan Karimi Nasseri, my friends. In fact THAT guy has had a long, long series of shitty days.
He's been stuck in Charles De Gaulle Airport in Paris since 1988. It's not an urban legend…it's totally true, and rather than bore you
with the details, you can read a very good account of his story here.
The reason I bring this up is because his real-life story was the inspiration for "The Terminal", which marks roughly the 86th
collaboration between actor Tom Hanks and director Steven Spielberg. But, this being Hollywood, they've taken a hellish story of a man,
living in an airport, unable to leave, and scrounging quarters to buy food to survive, and they've turned it into a lighthearted comedy.
Ah, Hollywood…they can take a turd and make it look as pretty as a rose, couldn't they? Any day now, I'm waiting to see the release of
a lighthearted comedy about the Tiananmen Square Massacre starring Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott (working title: "Dude,
That's a TANK!") And if they're not working on it already, I have a screenplay I can sell them.
Here, Hanks plays Viktor Navorski, a well-meaning and generally likable fellow from a fictitious country called Krakozhia or something. As
the movie opens, he's just arrived in New York. But, seeing as it's NOT a cold and wet December day when he touches the ground at JFK,
things don't go as well for him as they did for Bono and the U2 boys.
In a story that could ONLY be made up by Hollywood, it seems that his tiny country of Krakatoa or whatever it is has been overthrown in a
bloody coup…WHILE HE WAS IN THE AIR. Viktor seems clueless that anything is wrong in Krapkovia or wherever, and has taken his little
trip ANYWAY. For my money, if he's gone on a little vacation while his country is in the middle of civil unrest, and he's UNAWARE of it, he
must be dumber than Paris Hilton in the middle of a tequila binge just after a lobotomy. Because his country technically no longer exists,
his passport is no longer valid, and he's unable to actually enter the country.
So, to sum up, during a flight that couldn't have lasted more than about 14 hours, his country, which was apparently just peachy when he
left it, gets overthrown. It no longer exists. During that same time, the US government gets wind of this and alerts its airports
nation-wide not to recognize passports from Krackwhorvia or whatever it is. All this in under 14 hours. Anyone who has ever dealt with the
US Government on ANY level knows that for something this sweeping to happen in under 14 hours…well, it happens about as often as Dubya
pronounces the word "nuclear" properly. Christ, most of my American friends wait longer than that to have their f*****g DRIVERS
LICENSES renewed.
So, Viktor is pretty much f****d. The head of the airport, Frank Dixon (Stanley Tucci), assures him that this should all be resolved within
a day or 2. Of course, he knows nothing ABOUT the nation of Krakerbarrelvia or whatever it is, but he makes the assurance
anyway…apparently civil wars are a piece of cake. This must be the same guy who said that the US would be in and out of Iraq in short
order too. The problem is that Viktor's passport is currently about as useful as a can of Slim Fast in Star Jones's kitchen. So, he can't
enter the US, and he can't go back home…so he's stuck in the airport until this all sorts itself out. They give him some meal vouchers
and a pager and pretty much forget about him.
There's just one problem…Viktor only speaks about 8 words of English, so he hasn't got the slightest clue about what's going on. It's
not until he gets out into the terminal that he sees the news channel coverage of what's happening back in Krakhausia or wherever it is he
comes from. And, no matter how SIMILAR the News Station looks, it's NOT CNN. We know this because they're talking about world events,
rather than rerunning the same story about some dumbass losing a lottery ticket 25 times an hour. This sets up a scene that, despite the
fact that I'm a cynical bastard, is truly touching. Viktor's reaction when he sees what's happening back home is really quite
heartbreaking, and proves what an excellent actor Hanks really is. I won't lie…it got a tear out of me. It would have gotten more than
one if his character weren't such a dumbass for not knowing that his country was on the brink of civil war.
So, believe it or not, the whole situation back in Krampovia or wherever it is that he comes from isn't exactly resolved overnight. So
Viktor is stuck there, and stuck there, and stuck there. But, being a clever and resourceful fellow (although not clever enough to realize
he was leaving home while the shit was airborne and making a beeline for the fan) he gets by. He scrounges around, eating condiments or
returning baggage carts for the $0.25 deposit so he can buy some overpriced airport Burger King. Lucky for him, this is an airport, and so
the product-placement fairies are pretty much orgasming 24-7. You'll see more brand names on display in this movie than in 7 trips through
the Mall Of America. After these companies ponied up the cash to place their brands, I figure the movie cost the studio about $1.98 to
produce.
For a guy with no place to go, Viktor keeps pretty busy. He applies for entry into the country every day. He also manages to make friends
with a bunch of the airport staff. He sets up a romance between a food service vendor (Diego Luna from Y Tu Mama Tambien…although
mercifully penis-free in this movie) and a citizenship agent (Zoe Saldana) which is so grade-school, I'm surprise they didn't just pass
notes to each other that read "Do You Like Me? If So, Check This Box!"
Ah, but Viktor also manages to get a little romancing in himself. His target is a flight attendant named Amelia (Zeta-Jones). She must fly
all over the world, because it seems like most of her scenes were actually phoned in from abroad, in third world countries, using 2 cans
and a piece of string. She's lousy, is what I'm saying. Terrible.
But there's ONE other wrinkle…Dixon, the head of the airport, is the kind of guy who, around here, we'd call a "horrible prick of
a human being." He's oblivious to Viktor's plight, for the most part, but wants him gone. Apparently, some poor shmuck trapped in an
airport for months on end due to bureaucratic bullshit makes HIM look bad, and he wants a promotion. So, he works to make life as miserable
for Viktor as possible (because living in an airport isn't miserable enough) and keeps trying to goad him out the door, where he'd be
breaking the law, but also "somebody else's problem".
Oh, one other thing…in a short period of time watching NOT CNN and comparing books to each other, he somehow manages to learn perfect
English. As far-fetched as that concept is, I can sort of understand it as well. If I get stuck in an airport for more than an hour, I'm
ready to learn Swahili Braille just to pass the time.
And yet, the movie is still really good.
The most credit, of course, goes to Hanks. There's something about this guy…I'm starting to think that he can play just about ANY
role. With some actors, I can appreciate them, but I never stop seeing them as The Actor. Tom Cruise, for example. He's a fantastic actor,
but I see him as Cruise giving a great performance. It's different with Hanks. In almost every role he plays, I find I really connect with
the CHARACTER, not the actor. And he's in top form here, complete with nearly perfect accent and a nice balance between comedy and drama.
His CHARACTER is a dumbass, but that's the character's problem, not Tom's.
Most of the supporting characters are well realized as well. A particular standout is an Indian actor named Kumar Pallana, who plays a
janitor named Gupta. This guy's a FIND, people. He's great in his role. Interesting side note, he's 85 years old, yet according to IMDB,
he's only been acting since 1996. He's really fun to watch, and his character is really interesting as well. He actually manages to steal a
few scenes from Hanks himself, who's a smart enough actor to let him.
The character of Amelia, as played by Zeta-Jones, should be key. But I personally started to get annoyed whenever she was on screen. For
starters, her character isn't likable…she's what some people would call a bitch, actually. Yet, she doesn't make her
interesting…Amelia turns out to be the worlds most BORING bitch. I couldn't care less about her, and when she made her eventual
departure from the story, I was relieved.
As far as direction goes…well shit, it's Spielberg. It's top notch. Most of my favourite Spielberg movies are actually the smaller,
less blockbsutery ones, much like this. He's a fantastic actor's director, and he doesn't get enough credit for it. If you don't believe
me, check out "Empire Of The Sun", "Always", and "Catch Me If You Can". He can do great character-driven
work, and he does it here.
But I'm going to second-guess him here a bit. If I were Spielberg, I'd have taken the movie and removed all traces of Zeta-Jones from it.
She does almost nothing to advance the story, and in the one scene where she's key…well, they could have re-shot it. Actually, who am
I kidding? If I were Spielberg, I'd probably never make another movie and spend all my time masturbating in a hot-tub full of $100 bills. I
guess it's a good thing I'm not Spielberg.
The movie isn't perfect, and the script leaves a fair amount to be desired. I'd rather see a movie about the real Merhan Karimi Nasseri
myself. But, as Hollywood entertainment goes, "The Terminal" is solid entertainment, and I recommend it fairly highly. Just go
take a leak whenever you see Zeta-Jones, and you'll be fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the airport. I don't have a flight to catch, but I figure a good day of collecting baggage carts will
net me more than I make at Day Job now.
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