Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Starring: Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller
Directed by: Rawson Marshall Thurber
Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Check out Naked's uncensored review as well as images and the trailer on his new website:
THENAKEDCRITIC.COM
I'm a shitty athlete.
It's true…there's no shame in it. After all, look at me. I'm built like a Mr. Potatohead doll. The very thought of me competing in any
sports are laughable at best.
It's not like I didn't try. My father, Papa Naked, was a fantastic hockey player who, back in the day, caught the eye of the Detroit Red
Wings. I spent 3 years of my childhood playing hockey, but alas, I was less gifted. My skills seemed limited to passing the puck to our
GOOD players and hitting other kids to prevent them from scoring. I never scored a goal.
For a while, I switched to bowling. I was pretty good at it too. But it's not really much of an athlete's game. And besides, I got kicked
out of my league for punching a partition in frustration. It fell on an 8 year old kid. It was an accident, of course, but I like to think
that the kid had it coming.
"Gimme an N! Gimme an A! Gimme a K..." And as a young adult, me and a bunch of my drunken buddies formed The Falcons, a
ball-hockey team. We were putrid. In 3 seasons, we lost all but 3 games. We tied twice, and won a single game…which was on Superbowl
Sunday when the other team didn't show up. Man, you should have seen the victory party. Interesting side-note…I'm banned from that
particular league…apparently, they frown upon constant fighting and attempts to decapitate other players with your stick. Wimps.
So, because I've always been an underdog, sports-wise (and job-wise, and talent-wise, and women-wise…) I've always had a soft spot in
my heart for an underdog movie. Ever since I saw "The Bad News Bears" when I was a kid, I've always held on to the belief that if
I try hard, give it my best, and play with heart, I might come out on top. Of course, now that I'm older, I can tell you that whole thing's
a crock. If you can't win, don't try, that's MY motto.
"Dodgeball" is essentially a parody of every "lovable underdog" movie ever made, from "The Bad News Bears" to
"The Mighty Ducks" to "Little Giants" to "The Naked Critic Story (unproduced)." But what works, and what I
don't think they counted on, was that even though it's largely parody, you're going to wind up cheering for these losers anyway.
As the movie opens, we meet Peter La Fleur (Vaughn), a lovable loser of the first order. Womanless, hounded by bill collectors…the
only difference between him and I, really, is the fact that he doesn't have a website, and that I'm slightly better looking.
He's also the owner of "Average Joe's", a run-down gym about as close to being legally condemned as my apartment after a Saturday
night of drinking. The folks who come to the gym aren't exactly alpha-males either. There's Gordon (Stephen Root, one of my absolute
favorite actors), a pudgy nerd with a love of obscure sports. Then you've got Justin (Justin Long) - a dorky high-school student who wants
to be a cheerleader, Owen (Joel David Moore) - a nerd who makes Urkel look like Bo Jackson, Steve The Pirate (the very funny Alan Tudyk) -
a guy who, well, thinks he's a pirate. And finally, Dwight (Chris Williams), the generally likable token black guy. All these fellas love
the gym, partially because Peter isn't all that keen on collecting membership fees.
All this changes when the gym across the street gets involved. It's GLOBO-GYM, a place for fit, buff people to go, work out, and mock
people who aren't fit and buff. So, essentially, it's like every other gym on the f*****g planet. It's owned by White Goodman (Stiller), a
former fatty who's now buffer than buff, making up for the fact that he's dumber than Paris Hilton after a debilitating brain injury.
An aside: In the old "fat" pictures of Stiller, I can't help but think he looks a lot like Ron Jeremy. The again, I also said
that Danny DeVito in "Big Fish" looks like Ron Jeremy. The way I figure it, this means one of two things…1) Ron is finally
getting his due as a celebrity, with A-List actors emulating him. Or 2) I watch WAAAY too much porn.
Well, White hates Peter, for various reasons too lame to get into here. Plus, he's gone from fat guy to bully. So he wants to buy Average
Joe's. And, since Peter is such a piss poor businessman, it's actually pretty easy. So Peter has about a month to raise $50,000 to save the
gym…which isn't worth $50,000, I might add. If Average Joe's is worth 50 grand, I'm Bill F*****g Gates.
As part of this hostile takeover, an auditor from the bank is sent over. The auditor is Kate (Christine Taylor). This officially makes Kate
the hottest accountant EVER. She finds Peter repulsive, but she finds White even more repulsive, so you know she's going to settle for
Peter. And, not to give anything away, but the WAY she settles for him is the hottest geek fantasy EVER.
So, the guys in the Average Joe's, even though they're horribly out of shape, want to save the place. Sure, they're not fit, but for the
most part they're not paying either, so it's a nice balance. Besides, they all like each other and the place feels like a place where they
can "belong". Of course, they could accomplish the same thing by starting up a weekly Dungeons & Dragons game in somebody's
basement, but that wouldn't lend itself to slapstick comedy very well. So, instead, they decide to form a Dodgeball team, with their eyes
on the ultimate prize…$50,000. Nobody points out to them that, after taxes, they'll only have about half of that left, meaning that
they still won't be able to save the gym. That's good for us then, because chaos, sweet, violent, slapsticky chaos, ensues.
They manage to attract the attention of a crippled former Dodgeball champion named Patches O'Houlihan. He's played by Rip Torn, or Hank
Azaria in flashbacks. No word yet on how depressed Azaria became when he realized that he'd wind up looking like Rip Torn when he got
older. Patches' strategy for whipping these losers into shape is very, very violent, and involves a lot of throwing hard, dangerous objects
at them while insulting them with vaguely homophobic insults. As much as I hate to admit it, it's funny as hell.
Meanwhile, White hasn't figured out the whole "tax" thing either, and is afraid that Peter might actually win the money and keep
his gym. So, he assembles a group of steroid-enhanced ringers (you know, like the New York Yankees) to enter the tournament and whip their
geeky asses. And even more chaos ensues.
Just like any underdog movie, "Dodgeball" is rather light on plot and logic. And because it's a parody, our time isn't wasted
with very many explanations added into the screenplay by a script doctor. Instead, it's just a lot of violent, slapsticky fun, yet it still
manages to retain heart.
The best thing the movie has going for it is charming performances. Vaughn is very likable as Peter, and the often-annoying Stiller manages
to be quite funny as White. Meanwhile, the supporting cast manages to throw themselves into to their parts with no sense of shame. There
are no Oscar-worthy performances here, but there aren't any Razzie-worthy performances either. Vaughn and Stiller play of each other
really, really well. But the biggest surprise is the team of Gary Cole and Jason Friggin' Bateman as the Dodgeball play-by-play announcers.
Cole is the straight man, and Bateman STEALS the scenes with his spacey performance. It's the funniest Bateman has been since…well,
ever. Maybe if he'd been this funny 15 years ago, he wouldn't have lived in obscurity for so long.
There are some great cameos as well. A David Hasselhoff cameo had me pissing myself laughing, which marks the first time in history that
anyone who ISN'T Teutonic has laughed at David Hasselhoff without mocking being involved. Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris also make very
funny and clever appearances.
Another part of the success is the script. Overall, the movie is a perfect example of "stupid" fun, but to be honest, there are
hidden nuggets of cleverness buried here and there. One particular joke, about a character being crushed by two tons of irony, cracked me
up…and ONLY me. I swear…400 people in a theatre, and I'm the ONLY one laughing at the smartest joke in the movie? There's
something wrong with society, people!
Dodgeball is stupid. There's no two ways about it…it's a stupid, stupid movie. But it's also funny as hell. If you need something to
just go and see and enjoy without thinking too much, it's the movie for you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Ron Jeremy Film Festival to get to. I think I'm going to take the phone off the hook.
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