White Chicks
Starring: Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans
Directed by: Keenen Ivory Wayans
Rating: 3 (out of 5)
Check out Naked's uncensored review as well as images and the trailer on his new website:
THENAKEDCRITIC.COM
Sure, there's the free movies, DVDs, and occasional Swag that comes my way. That's all well and good. It
makes having to sit through total and utter shit like "Soul Plane" and "Assassination Tango" bearable. But today, my
friends, I am risking it all. I'm risking my credibility as a critic, my standing in unpaid-internet-critic society, and losing the respect
of my family and friends, by saying what I'm about to say.
I kind of liked "White Chicks".
I'll understand if you want to see other critics.
I can't help it. I'm only human. Granted, I'm a human who truly loves a lot of bad movies, but knows they're bad. I'm a human
being…and every once in a while, I slip. And I slipped down in my seat watching "White Chicks" and giggled my fat,
pasty-white ass off. Sue me.
(This is a note from the Naked Critic's lawyer. Please do not sue him for liking "White Chicks". It's not like you don't have a
case…you absolutely do. But I'm pleading with you as a lawyer…please DON'T. He hasn't got a pot to piss in, and if he can't pay
ME for trying to get him out of all those jaywalking tickets, then you'll never see dime one. Just give it up and move on…it will make
my life much easier. Thanks. Sincerely, Julius Arthur, Attorney-at-law.)
It's kind of embarrassing, actually. After all, the movie has a lame sitcom plot, features bizarre logic, has an unbelievable premise, and
is directly responsible for keeping members of the Wayans family employed. By rights, I should despise this movie with every fiber of my
being.
The plot of this movie is more or less "Some Like It Hot", with a "White Like Me" twist to it. As the movie opens, we
meet Marcus and Kevin Copeland. They're played by Marlon and Shawn Wayans, respectively…otherwise known as the Tito and Randy of the
Wayans family. The Copelands are FBI agents, but, in true sitcom-movie fashion, they're not very good at it. In fact, they're bumbling
idiots. In the opening scene, they're DEEP undercover, trying to bust a drug ring or something, and sporting disguises that are about
one-step above a Groucho-nose-and-glasses. They're posing as ice-cream-store clerks, Spanish ones at that. We know this because one of them
(Tito, I think) speaks with an outrageous accent, while Randy speaks only in Latin song lyrics.
This isn't the funny part.
A couple of Ice Cream Delivery guys come in and start speaking to the pair in "code," saying that they have the shipment of
"Vanilla Ice Cream". Get it? Now, you have to wonder, as you always do, how stupid these movie crooks have to be in order to fall
for such a Bugs Bunny scheme. Ah, but once Tito and Randy knock the guys out, they realize that they were the REAL ice cream delivery guys,
and the drug guys get away scot-free. The lesson here is that Movie Bad Guys aren't always dumb, but Movie Ice Cream Delivery Guys ARE
always dumb.
So, the guys get chewed out by the tough-as-nails boss (Frankie Faison), while the smug co-workers (Lochlyn Munro, Eddie Velez) stand by
and make smug co-worker comments. Sadly, nobody shoots them.
This isn't the funny part.
Meanwhile, we get a peek into the home life of the happily married Marcus (Tito). As it turns out, his lovely wife Gina (Faune Chambers)
is, well, a jealous possessive psycho bitch from hell. She calls him constantly on his mobile phone, and freaks out when it takes him 8
minutes to walk home instead of 6. Now keep in mind, Marcus is an FBI Agent…which means he has a gun. How this guy managed to stay
married without turning the gun on himself is anyone's guess.
Anyhoo, a big assignment comes up. Apparently the feds have intel (love those fancy FBI words) that Brittany and Tiffany Wilson (Maitland
Ward and Anne Dudek), a couple of heiresses, are the targets of a kidnapping plot. That's WILSON, by the way, not HILTON, although they're
even more annoying than the Hiltons. I'm not kidding…even Iraqi kidnappers would give themselves up after spending 20 minutes with
these 2 twinkies. So, it's up to the smug co-workers to head up to the Hamptons and crack the case, and the Copelands get to DRIVE these
bimbos from the airport to the hotel. This is a job that's right up there with "Raw Sewage Inspector" and "Star Jones Diet
Enforcer" on the list of desirable jobs out there.
(This is a note from the Naked Critic's lawyer to Star Jones's people. Please do not sue him for making fun of Star Jones. As I stated
earlier, the guy's broke. And besides, any money she gets out of him is just going to get blown on Krispy Kremes and Double-Stuf Oreos
anyway. Thanks. Sincerely, Julius Arthur, Attorney-at-law.)
But still, they manage to bungle the job, although to be fair, it's not their fault. One of the girls has this annoying little rat of a dog
that causes an accident. The result is that the girls are horribly disfigured…with mild cuts and bruises. I cause more injury to
myself when I have my weekly shave. So, like the spoiled little bitches that they are, they have a tantrum and refuse to go to the
Hamptons, lest they be mocked for their imperfections. But then…the boys come up with a brilliant plan.
IMPERSONATE THE WHITE CHICKS.
Fortunately, the Dr. Frankenstein that set up their hideous disguises earlier is but a phone call away. And he's more than willing to spend
hours making the boys up to look like tiny young blonde white girls. Oh, and he's willing to do this without letting their boss know. It's
all very convenient. Several hours worth of prosthetics later, and VOILA!
The guys look like hideous horror-movie versions of white girls.
This is not the funny part.
Now, in true sitcom-movie-fashion, it's up to the guys to seamlessly impersonate the girls in front of all their rich friends. And, in true
sitcom-movie-fashion, nobody suspects a thing, despite the fact that they look, sound, and act nothing like the real thing. On the flip
side, their FBI co-workers don't seem to suspect anything is out of the ordinary either. If this is the level of FBI agent that's running
around today, I'm surprised that the Homeland Security Level isn't at fire-engine-red with the caption "WE'RE ALL F*****G
DOOMED"
And from there, it's your typical fish-out-of-water story, as the guys bond with friends of the girls, teach them lessons about life, go
shopping, sing Vanessa Carlton songs, compete with 2 other rich bitches from hell (Jaime King and Brittany Daniel) and learn first hand
that it's not always easy to be a girl.
THIS, believe it or not, is the funny part. Now, don't get me wrong…this isn't exactly Woody Allen material here. Hell, it's not even
Woody Harrelson. But the situations that these guys find themselves in pretending to be the rich girls are occasionally very, very
funny.
Part of it is the disguises…now don't get me wrong…they look kind of ridiculous, and nothing like the girls they're trying to
impersonate. But, at the same time, they're fairly impressive in their own right. Tito and Randy are wholly unrecognizable…and looks
wise, they're on par with drag queens. But hearing these two girls talk with deep, male voices - although a cheap gag - made me laugh every
time…especially when they get all "street".
Another big part of it is that a lot of the situations they find themselves in are genuinely funny. These guys are pretty much game for
anything, and it results in some pretty good physical comedy at times. A shopping trip goes wrong for both of them, when one of them has to
be shoehorned into an outfit while the other is constantly screamed at by a weight-obsessed friend (Jessica Carpenter). Please don't take
this as me saying that becoming obsessed with being thin is funny…it's not. Although, to be fair, I had a good laugh today when my
friend Milo pointed out to me that it look like Mary Kate Olsen might have had a "Full House", but her kitchen and stomach were
empty.
(This is a note from the Naked Critic's lawyer to The Olsen Twins' people. Please do not sue him for quoting his friend's tasteless
joke…actually, you know what? F**k him. I've got better things to do than defend this knob while he offends people. You're on your
own, assnozzle. I quit. Sincerely, Julius Arthur, Attorney-at-law.)
Of course, the funniest character in the movie has to be a basketball player named Latrell Spencer (Terry Crews). He's OBSESSED with white
women…so much so that he buys a date with "Tiffany" at a charity auction, poor Tito has to spend the better part of the
movie fending off his advances. And no matter WHAT he does, Latrell just won't give up. Crews is hysterical here, and literally steals
every single scene he's in. It got to the point where the audience in the screening I saw started laughing every time he appeared on stage.
He's THAT funny.
Of course, what doesn't help matters is the sheer predictability of the movie. It literally plays out like a weaker episode of Bosom
Buddies, with an ending that was so close to Scooby Doo, I was waiting for the Amusement Park Owner to show up and start shaking his fist
at those meddling kids.
And one thing that REALLY bugged me is how quickly these guys could apparently slip in and out of their disguises. By the looks of the
quick changes they do, you'd think that it's no more complex than pulling on a T Shirt. Please. With REAL women, hair and makeup is an
hours-long ordeal. I once was able to sit through all 3 hours of Magnolia in the time it took a girl to make herself
"presentable" enough to go out for subs.
And SUBPLOTS…man, so many subplots. Romance, marriage problems, kidnapping, fraud…and you care about absolutely none of it. I
just didn't care about the actual STORY. I cared less about that than Courtney Love cares about sobriety. Oh, wait…my lawyer quit.
Ignore that last joke.
It's a good thing White Chicks is funny, because that's pretty much all it has going for it. Decide for yourself if that's enough.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and find a new lawyer…I'm telling you, I go through lawyers like Larry King goes through wives.
Wait, I've got a better one…I go through lawyers like Van Halen goes through lead singers! Like tornados go through trailer parks!
Like Matthew Perry goes through Vicodin!
See, the reason I go through them so quickly is because of stunts like that.
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