I, Robot
Starring: Will Smith, Bridget Moynahan
Directed by: Alex Proyas
Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Check out Naked's uncensored review as well as images and the trailer on his new website:
THENAKEDCRITIC.COM
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Law 1: A robot may not harm a human or, by inaction, allow a human being to come to harm
Law 2: A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the first law
Law 3: A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second law
These, of course, are the three laws of robotics, as laid out by the late Isaac Asimov in his classic collection of stories, "I,
Robot". It's cool, but you have to admit, it's kind of outdated. The new movie "I, Robot" has been updated, but the laws
remain the same. They should have asked me…I could have come up with a far better set of modern robotics laws.
Law 1: You do not talk about ROBOTICS
Law 2: You DO NOT talk about ROBOTICS
Law 3: If you take the last cup of coffee, make a FRESH F*****G POT (Note: this law becomes the first law where I work)
Law 4: All robots must wash their hands after routine maintenance, especially kitchen-bots
Law 5: Flush
Law 6: No communication with humans while "Survivor" is on
Law 7: Puff, puff, pass
See? Laws that everyone can live with, that have a more modern sensibility.
Then again, the movie isn't "based on" the book…it's "suggested by" the book. What this means is that the title
and the aforementioned 3 laws are pretty much all that remain of the original. Although, they do seem to have fabricated some laws of their
own, which I will get to over the course of the review.
As the movie opens, we meet Del Spooner (Smith), a homicide detective who likes to sleep while wearing a black hat. Why in the name of GOD
he feels the need to sleep while wearing a hat is beyond me. It's not like it's a nightcap…he wears it everywhere. I certainly hope
he's more diligent about changing his drawers than he is his hat. I mean, at least turn them inside out if you want to get an extra day's
wear out of them…that's what I do. (That's a little laundry-saving tip from me to you, by the way. No extra charge.)
We know Del is deeply into retro. See, as soon as he wakes up, he turns on Stevie Wonder's "Superstition", even though the year
is apparently 2035.
I, ROBOT LAW #1 - PRODUCT PLACEMENT IS GOOD
The movie's not 3 minutes old when we get hit over the head with the most OBNOXIOUS example of product placement since the "Austin
Powers" series. He opens a package and pulls out a brand new pair of shoes. He holds them up, admiring them in the morning light, and
sighs…"Ah…Converse…Vintage, circa 2004!" It was almost enough to make me throw up my vintage, circa 2004
popcorn.
We learn then that robots have become so commonplace, that everyone now has one. These marvels of technology will presumably do everything
from delivering your mail to making your dinner. Hell, they'd probably wipe for you if you asked them to.
This doesn't sit well with Del at all. See, he's not just retro, he's a stone-cold robot hater. In another movie, this would make him a
bigot, but here he just comes off as charmingly cantankerous…because he's Will Smith, you see.
I, ROBOT LAW #2 - WILL SMITH MUST MAKE ONE SMART REMARK FOR EVERY 90 SECONDS OF SCREEN TIME
Del gets sent off to investigate a suicide…but it isn't just any suicide. THIS suicide is Dr. Alfred Lanning (James Cromwell),
probably the leading authority in robotics on the planet. I guess his success wasn't quite enough to keep him happy, because he's
apparently just taken a Greg Louganis special from about 8000 stories up. (And he'd have won the Gold is it wasn't for those crooked French
judges…)
The building, it should be noted, is the home of US Robotics, the most successful company in the world (Think Microsoft, only with products
that usually work and that people want). Del meets with their CEO, Lawrence Robertson (Bruce Greenwood), apparently the richest man in the
world (Think Bill Gates, only with a better haircut and slightly less evil aura).
So, after Del smugly insults Robertson, he's escorted to Lanning's lab by another bigwig named Susan Calvin (Moynahan), whom he also smugly
insults. I guess wise-ass remarks are the "Just The Facts" of 2035. Both Robertson and Calvin, by the way, are very anxious to
have this all swept under the rug. You see, this is happening just before they're rolling out a new line of robots, in numbers great enough
so that every family in the world can have one, which should be just f*****g PEACHY for the economy. And, because Lanning's suicide (or
possible murder) would be a PR nightmare, they're pretty antsy about it. Just call it a suicide and get on with it, is their motto. Not
very suspicious at all, is it?
I, ROBOT LAW #3 - DON'T BE AFRAID TO "BORROW" FROM OTHER SCI-FI MOVIES
Here we're also introduced to VIKI, a massively intelligent, all-knowing security supercomputer. Think of her as HAL, with a pleasant
voice. "2001" isn't the only movie that "I, Robot" borrows liberally from. I was able to draw some pretty strong
parallels to "Blade Runner" as well, and I guess a case could be made that the overall design is "suggested" by
"Minority Report".
So, Del has to poke around…and in doing so he runs into Sonny, a robot whom he immediately believes killed Lanning. This is partly
because of Del's robophobia, and partly because Sonny tosses Del around and then steals his gun before escaping…performing the same
Greg Louganis 8000-story special, only, you know, sustaining no damage at all. And yet, I drop my f*****g mobile phone 18 inches and the
thing shatters on me. The future can't come fast enough, if you ask me.
When they finally find Sonny, Del hauls him in for questioning, believing he's the first robot ever to violate Rule #1. There's just one
little legal wrinkle…since robots are programmed NOT to harm humans, nobody believes him. Oh, and human laws don't apply to robots.
This is good news for all the robots I know…they can start jaywalking and song-swapping to their hearts content. In fact, my good
robot friend Quark heard this, and immediately started re-broadcasting games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
Way to stick it to the man, Quark ol' buddy!
But this ain't sitting well with Del, who firmly believes that there are shenanigans at work. He's certain that robots are up to no
good…but, to be fair, robots spend a great deal of the rest of the movie trying to kill him, so he might just be on to something. This
brings me to law #4.
I, ROBOT LAW #4 - ASIMOV'S 3 LAWS ARE REALLY JUST SORTA "GUIDELINES" AT BEST.
Depending on how into Asimov you are, you might not like this movie very much. I've never read the original book myself, but I'm pretty
sure that there were no cop characters who were really into Converse shoes and sweet potato pie. So, if you're one of those nerds who carry
Asimov books everywhere, you might want to skip this and, I don't know, go meet a girl instead.
An aside: the previous statement may sound mean, but I've known 3 people in my life who were that devoted to authors…all in high
school. One was into Asimov, one was into Heinlein, and the other guy was NEVER without a Tolkien book in his hand. Oddly enough, the
Asimov nerd and the Tolkien nerd HATED each other. Go figure.
The best thing this movie has going for it is director Proyas. I LOVE this guy's work. He made "The Crow", which is one of my
all-time favourite movies. He also made "Dark City", which kicked some serious ass as well. "I, Robot" sports that same
grim, dark, gritty look that those other movies had. And, well, I'm a sucker for dark, grim looking movies. He also handles the action
scenes very, very well. There's a lot of bang for your buck in this movie, so if you're looking to see a lot of bullets flying and stuff
blowing up, you probably won't be disappointed.
I've never been a huge Will Smith fan. He has his moments, sure, but I've never found him a particularly STRONG actor…merely
entertaining. Then again, I find some street-buskers and puppies entertaining, but I don't want to see them in every scene of a movie. That
changed with "Ali", which I thought was a very strong performance. He's strong here, too. Amid the wisecracks and Fresh Prince
shtick, he gives off a lot of intensity that I didn't think he was capable of.
The rest of the cast, frankly, underwhelmed me. Moynahan is bland, Greenwood is way too arrogant, and Cromwell only really appears in
hologram-form. But they aren't the other stars…no, my friends, the stars are the robots.
This sounds kind of stupid, but here goes…these robots are creepy looking. I sure as hell wouldn't want them walking around MY
apartment. But oddly, that's why they worked for me. These scenes just wouldn't be effective if it was V.I.N. CENT and Twiki throwing Smith
around. (Wow…how many obscure references can I cram into a single review?) The "character" of Sonny is especially
entertaining. Thanks to some great CGI animation and great voice acting by Alan Tudyk (Dodgeball, Firefly) he seems almost…dare I say
it…HUMAN.
Sure, it has its flaws…and I think I've pointed a lot of them out here. But it's also slick and well executed, and other than the bit
with the Converse shoes, I didn't ever feel like I was having my intelligence insulted. And with summer blockbusters, you can almost ALWAYS
count on having your intelligence insulted. Hell, the only reason Vin Diesel exists is to put him in movies that insult your
intelligence.
But damn, it's a lot of fun. I don't mind if a movie is a little flawed and derivative if it entertains, and I was DEFINITELY entertained.
Maybe it's a bit of a guilty pleasure, but hey, there are people who loved "Wild Wild West" too…somewhere.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have this burning desire to go buy a pair or Converse shoes…and I'll be DAMNED if I know where that urge
came from.
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