Paparazzi
Starring: Cole Hauser, Tom Sizemore
Directed by: Paul Abascal
Rating: 1 (out of 5)
Check out Naked's uncensored review as well as images and the trailer on his new website:
THENAKEDCRITIC.COM
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It's official. ANYONE can make a f*****g movie these days.
Take Jon Peters, for example. At one point, he was the head of Sony Pictures. Over the years, he's produced or executive-produced some
pretty good movies. "Ali" "Batman" "Rain Man" and "Caddyshack" are some of the better movies he's
made. At the same time, for every good movie he's produced, he's made at least 4 pieces of crap. He's also responsible for "Wild Wild
West" "Money Train" "The Bonfire Of The Vanities" "Who's That Girl"…you'll agree, all abominations
of cinema.
Interesting story about Jon Peters: Kevin Smith (AKA Silent Bob) was hired to write a new "Superman" script in the '90s. Jon
Peters - as the producer - had certain demands. These included:
- Superman COULDN'T wear the costume
- Superman COULDN'T fly
- Superman HAD to fight a giant f*****g spider at the end of the movie.
If you want the full story, I highly recommend picking up "An Evening With Kevin Smith". Even if you're not a fan of him or his
movies, the guy is one of the funniest storytellers you'll ever see. As far as Peters' "demands" go, you may remember that
"Wild Wild West" ended…with the heroes fighting a giant f*****g spider.
But I'm even more off topic than usual. The reason I bring all this up, is because Jon Peters - superproducer - got his start as BARBRA
STREISAND'S HAIRSTYLIST.
And now, we have "Paparazzi", directed by Paul Abascal. You probably don't know his name. That's because he's NEVER directed a
movie before. Instead, he's directed several episodes of shitty TV shows like "Night Man," "Witchblade," and "Nash
Bridges". But - and here's the best part - he's MEL GIBSON'S HAIRSTYLIST. So naturally…he's a born director.
I should learn how to do hair. Because f**k knows I can make a better movie than "Paparazzi"…I just need the chance. I
wonder who does Elisha Cuthbert's hair?
Oh, and this movie is also produced by Mel Gibson. You may recall that the last movie that Mel produced was about a martyr. Now, he's
turning himself - and other celebrities - into martyrs as well. They SUFFER for their fame, kids! And wait until you see what HELL they go
through!
When the movie opens, we meet Bo Laramie (Hauser). He's a big, strapping, handsome man, with chiseled features, a deep, seductive voice,
and intense eyes you could just lose yourself in. As it turns out, he's also a big movie star.
Well, not "big". He's on the way to the premiere of his "breakout" movie "Adrenaline Force" So, even though
this is his first starring role, he's apparently in high demand, and billions of groupies and photographers are on hand. And all for a
movie that - let's face it - looks like it would be Direct-To-Video at BEST.
In these early scenes, we learn exactly 2 things about Bo Laramie. 1) He's a simple guy from the Midwest who apparently has had fame thrust
upon him, and 2) he's got a picture-perfect all-American family. His wife Abby (Robin Tunney) is adorable, and his son Jake (Blake Michael
Bryan) is even more adorable. Everything is swell. Neat. Keen. Okey-dokey.
Ah, but Hollywood is a horrendous bitch-goddess, isn't she? Mere days later, Bo takes his son to soccer practice (and what's more
all-American than THAT?) when he spots a photographer named Rex Harper (Sizemore) taking pictures of his adorable kid. He approaches the
shutterbug and - after a tense exchange, very politely asks him NOT to take pictures of his family. Rex agrees and politely apologizes.
Now, in the REAL world, this is where it ends. But Hollywood doesn't exist in the real world…especially in a movie made by a f*****g
hairdresser.
After the game, Rex is STILL taking pictures of the kid. At this point, you've got to think that this guy likes taking pictures of young
boys a LITTLE too much, which is admittedly creepy as hell. His darkroom probably looks like the Neverland Ranch. So Bo approaches him
again, and once again asks him to cut it out. The problem is that he does it via a fist to the nose.
SURPRISE! The door of a minivan opens to reveal 3 more paparazzi shooting the entire encounter. It was all a setup, and now, it's a matter
for the courts. So, we learn 2 things from this…one is that paparazzi are the minions of Satan, but more importantly, it's not just
soccer moms that take advantage of a roomy vehicle.
As a result, they publish these pictures, and Bo gets sued for half a million clams, and is ordered to undergo Anger Management classes by
the court. Plus, he has to issue an apology, which he refuses to do.
And here's where it loses all touch with reality. Bo DEFIES a COURT ORDER and refuses to issue an apology. Because in Hollywood, Contempt
Of Court is apparently minor. Bo also BRAGS about not issuing said apology to E! Entertainment Television. And it's that stupid interview
(on the set of Adrenaline Force 2 - because obviously the first Direct-To-Video crap-fest was a real moneymaker) that causes Rex to declare
all-out war on Bo.
So, he and 3 other leeches (including Daniel Baldwin…the Zeppo of the Baldwin clan) decide to ruin Bo's life and career. Kind of like
what I want to do right now with the people who made this f*****g movie.
It all comes to a head when the photographers decide to box Bo in while driving, taking endless photos of him. Flashbulbs are going off
everywhere, Bo struggles to keep control of his car, but the paparazzi are giving him no chance. It's a tense scene…albeit one that
has "Princess Diana" written all over it. The cars are speeding, and Bo, in a desperate attempt to shake them, slams on the
brakes as the rest of them go flying by.
So, the good news is that he evades them. The BAD news is that he stopped in the middle of a damn intersection, and some other poor shmuck
plows into them at top speed. It's ugly. The photographers react by stopping and getting out of their cars…in the only really GENUINE
scene in the entire movie. They see what they've done…they're shocked. They feel guilty. They're horrified. All 4 of them are looking
on in absolute horror at what the accident. I have to admit…it's a powerful moment.
And then, they grab their cameras and take more pictures. Any horror they've felt - and any possible connection to the audience - is lost
by what they do next. One of them goes so far as to pull Bo's wife's bra down for some "sexy" shots. It's nauseating.
The end result…Bo is fine, but his wife has to have her spleen removed, and young, adorable Zach is in a coma. And THAT'S when the
revenge starts. It's also where the intelligence ends.
Without giving too much away, the shutterbugs continue to hound Bo and his family…because obviously, they haven't done enough. Then
they start meeting with accidents. Now, any cop worth his salt would be able to put 2 and 2 together, ESPECIALLY with the mountains of
physical evidence and probable cause that Bo leaves behind. But fortunately for Bo, the cop on the case is Detective Burton (Dennis Farina)
who is apparently the dumbest, easily star-struck cop in LA.
I'm not kidding, folks. Encyclopedia Brown could have solved The Case Of The Dying Paparazzi in about 10 f*****g seconds, yet this cop just
continues on, either ignoring or not catching about a BILLION pieces of evidence against Bo.
Oh, Paparazzi…how I hate thee. Not the photographers…the movie. Let me count the ways.
First, there's the fact that apparently nobody ever taught the director the fine art of character development when he was in barber
college. These guys have NO character, especially Bo. We know he's a new star, he loves his family, and that he hates the paparazzi. That's
IT. How are we supposed to give a rat's ass about someone when we don't know a goddamn thing about him? Are we supposed to feel SORRY for
him? He's a rich movie star with a short fuse. Big f*****g deal.
And let's touch on the performances for a second. They suck. There, that just about does it.
Ok, fine, I'll elaborate. Hauser is a good actor who looks embarrassed to be here. I'm sure he did the best with what he was given…but
he was given Jack Shit, and his performance here reflects that.
Meanwhile, congratulations go to whoever cast Sizemore as the main baddie. I mean, who would have thought that a b-list actor with a long
history of abusing drugs and beating the shit out of women could play a scumbag? Bravo. For your next trick, try casting Robert Downer Jr.
as a drug addict, or OJ Simpson as a guy who kills his wife.
The writing is f*****g lousy too. This is the worst dialogue I've heard since "Attack Of The Clones". Almost as bad is the
movie's loose interpretation of the law, especially on the part of the cops. There's enough obvious evidence against Bo to lock him up for
life…but it's ignored. That's because Farina's character is written as a retarded version of Columbo. I mean, he even does the whole
turn-and-say "Oh, one more thing…" trick. The last time I've seen the law - and police - portrayed that stupidly is in
"Double Jeopardy". (I've said it before, and I'll say it again…if you go to jail for a crime that NEVER HAPPENED, and then
you COMMIT that crime, it's a SEPARATE F*****G CRIME!!!)
The concept is interesting, but nothing intelligent is done with it. And there are some very effective moments, and the odd line or scene
which is entertaining. But, at the same time, I'm sure Courtney Love has moments of sobriety as well…but they aren't all that
memorable.
On the plus side…everyone's hair looks great.
Overall, the movie is just an insult to the intelligence from start to finish. In a nutshell, I would have rather taken my 20 bucks, bought
a sledgehammer, and beaten myself in the head with it. I would have enjoyed it more, and as an extra added bonus, I would have suffered
brain damage...which would have made me eligible to write and direct "Paparazzi 2"
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go enrol in barber college. I've got some movies to make!
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