Saw II
Starring: Donnie Wahlberg, Tobin Bell
Directed by: Darren Lynn Bousman
Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Check out Naked's uncensored review as well as images and the trailer on his
new website:
WWW.THENAKEDCRITIC.COM
I love Halloween. It used to be because I loved
the concept of going door to door, dressed as something hideous, and having
strangers give me candy for my troubles. The only bummer was those idiot
neighbours who would drop APPLES into my bag. It's not that I have anything
against apples...I just never liked the taste of razor blades.
But now that I'm older, it's mostly because I love horror movies. For the most
part, the cheesier they are, the better they are. Even when I was younger, I
loved nothing more than a shitty horror movie. I could rattle off titles that
most of you have never heard of, or would want to know about. Chopping Mall is
a personal favourite. Killer robots in a shopping centre, killing horny teens.
I don't know if it was the fact that these movies were desperately TRYING to be
better than they were, or the bad dialogue, or the predictable plot, or the
gratuitous nudity. Wait...I take that back. It was definitely the gratuitous
nudity. These flicks were like Boobie Central...and if there's one place a
horny 15 year old WANTS to be, it's Boobie Central. Come to think of it, if
there's one place I want to be NOW, it's Boobie Central. Russ Meyer is my
God.
See, now I don't even want to review this damn movie anymore. I just want to
talk about boobies. Come on, Naked...focus...
...No, that didn't work. Now I'm just focused on boobies. THINK, damn it...you
can crank one out later...focus on the movie...Saw II...gory, scary, and not a
boobie in sight...
Ok, I'm fine now. Mostly because Saw II really is a genuinely scary movie. In
fact, I don't see this very often, but it's better than the original. It's just
as nasty, but it's like they took everything that was good about the first Saw
and kicked it up a notch. Then they took the stuff that DIDN'T work and
replaced it with interesting twists on the genre. There are some things here
that you don't often see in horror movies.
They also ripped Cube off even more blatantly this time, but for now, let's
focus on the positive.
First, a refresher: the first Saw was about a twisted f****r nicknamed
"Jigsaw" (Bell). He liked to torture people by putting them in
horrific situations seeing how far they'd go to escape. Normally, it ended very
badly.
This time, he's at it again. The movie opens with a guy named Michael, waking
up in a room with a nasty little device on his neck. It's kind of like an iron
maiden (WOOOOO! MAIDEN RULES!!!!)...a helmet with spikes on the inside that is
getting ready to slam closed on his melon. It's locked around his neck...but if
he gets the key in time, he can unlock it. The problem is, the key is in a very
uncomfortable place (no, not in the back of a Volkswagen). It's up to Michael
to retrieve said key, at the risk of...let's just say considerable discomfort.
I won't say whether he gets it or not. I WILL say that the result is very
nasty.
By the way, I know what you're thinking. No, the key is NOT hidden in his ass.
You sick f*****s.
That's when we meet Detective Eric Mathews (Wahlberg). He's kind of a gruff,
angry cop. I'm not sure why he's QUITE so angry. Possibly it's because he's
rapidly losing his once hunky New-Kids-On-The-Block hair. Possibly it's because
the studio calls him Eric MASON in press materials, even though that's clearly
not his name. But most likely, it's because his teenage son Daniel (Erik
Knudsen) has just been picked up for theft, and now he's in the embarrassing
position of having to retrieve the kid from the local cop shop. That, and the
hair.
An aside: the fact that a former New Kid is now old enough to have a teenage
son could possibly be one of the most depressing things I've seen all
year...and I watch a lot of news. This kid is roughly the same age as his
original FAN BASE. On the plus side, this means he's old now (as evidenced by
his hairline.) On the minus side, it means I'M f*****g old now, as evidenced by
the copious amount of gray hair I have. Damn you, Donnie.
A little while later, Eric is summoned to a rather grisly crime scene. Another
cop named Kerry (Dina Meyer) informs him that it's the work of Jigsaw, which is
kind of her specialty. She's called Eric there because Jigsaw has left a nasty
message for him..."Look closer, Detective Mathews." Eric gets creeped
out...because, well, that shit is creepy. Can't really blame him for that.
An aside: the fact that a former Beverly Hills 90210 cast member is now old
enough to play a hardened homicide detective is...oh, f**k it. I'm just
old.
Apparently, Eric and Kerry at one point had some kind of thing going...but it's
just briefly alluded to and then forgotten. To be honest, I didn't really care
anyway. Moving on...
It turns out that Eric is a decent detective who has some sort of photographic
memory. As he's lying in bed - no doubt in a vodka-fuelled stupor as recalls
the days when merely singing "Step By Step" was enough to make
teenage girls experience a tingly feeling down south - he remembers a vague
clue from one of the crime scene photos. He springs into action...or at least,
as close to "springing" as he can get these days, what with his dodgy
hip and all. Or maybe that's just me.
Here's where it gets interesting. He actually FINDS Jigsaw. Of course, several
cops wind up down a few quarts of blood - and limbs - but the point is he
CATCHES him! Jigsaw is just sitting there, with his oxygen mask on, slowly
dying of cancer. In any other movie, this would be an easy collar.
But, naturally, there's a wrinkle. They can't just ARREST Jigsaw, because he's
in the middle of another one of his "games". This time, a bunch of
people are trapped in a house somewhere. Said house has a bunch of people stuck
in it. There are booby-traps aplenty (Yay! Boobies!) and, sarin nerve gas is
being pumped in, killing them slowly. Cameras are everywhere, documenting the
nastiness. And, just to spike the ball, it turns out that one of the
houseguests in this homicidal version of Big Brother is Eric's son.
Now, a word about the house: it's just as dirty and nasty as the bathroom in
the original Saw, only there's more of it. None of the people trapped inside
know why they're there, or even know each other. All they know - courtesy of
one of Jigsaw's famous tapes - is that there are some sarin antidotes hidden
around the house. Plus, they can escape if they're smart enough to figure
everything out. Of course, with all the booby traps (BOOBIES!!!!) around, it's
easier said than done...something that one unlucky victim finds out the hard
way.
Meanwhile, back at Jigsaw's lair, the psycho tells Eric not to worry. As long
as he sits there and listens to the killer talk, he promises that Daniel will
be found safe and secure. On the downside, it means that Eric has to listen to
the meandering ramblings of a homicidal lunatic. But hey, it could be worse. He
could be chained to a chair and forced to watch bad 80's horror flicks like
Chopping Mall, or bad current horror films like Boogeyman.
The crew in the house is mostly unremarkable. Glenn Plummer and Frankie G play
the resident tough guys, some other unremarkable guys play unremarkable guys,
and some interchangeable cute chicks play some interchangeable cute chicks. In
fact, the only other notable character is Amanda (Shawnee Smith), whom you may
remember as the girl who survived arguably the scariest scene from the first
movie. Jigsaw apparently doesn't give up when he wants somebody dead.
The biggest problem with "Saw 2" is that it really, REALLY rips Cube
off. In the first movie, you had 2 guys waking up in a room without knowing
each other or how they got there. Now, there's a house full of them. And, as
the movie progresses, at least one character becomes almost a carbon copy of a
Cube character, right down to the hammy overacting. They even LOOK the same.
Normally, this would be unforgivable. But this time, they do a really, REALLY
good job with their Cube homage. Plus, there's so much else going on, it's easy
to ignore.
Saw II also does a lot of things RIGHT. Most notably is the fact that the
psycho is RIGHT THERE, talking to the cops. In most horror movies, the killer
tends to be largely mute and uninteresting. But Jigsaw has a story to tell, and
it's a fairly interesting one. You find out exactly what it is that sent him
over the edge and why. As a result, it makes him the most interesting serial
killer character since John Doe in Se7en.
Plus, Tobin Bell is creepy as hell. He's probably going to wind up typecast as
a psycho for the rest of his career. I'd be fine with that. He's really good at
it.
Now for the painful admission...I actually got SCARED watching this movie. I
can name about 5 films in the history of the genre that have actually
frightened me. Now, to be honest, the scares were mostly of the "Oh
Jebus...how gross is this going to be?" variety. But hey, that counts.
Overall, I've got to say that I was really impressed by Saw II on most counts.
I liked the first one, but there were a lot of things that could have been done
better. This time, instead of getting lazy and cashing in on a surprise hit,
they really did a great job of IMPROVING the end product. I'd like to think
that it could start a trend, but I'm not very optimistic. After all, Rocky 6 is
coming out next year.
Now, if you'll excuse me, all this talk of "booby traps" has got me
hot and bothered. Time to crank one out.
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