Today's Review: Bad Boys 2
Starring: Will Smith, Martin Lawrence
Directed by Michael Bay
Rating: 1 out of 5.
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The Naked Critic
Bad Boys, Bad Boys, watcha gonna do? Watcha gonna do when they come for you?
A word of advice, kids. If you're the one they're coming for, and the Bad Boys
in question are Martin Lawrence and Will Smith, your best bet would be to run.
Hide. Find secure shelter and barricade the door. Because they will kill you. A
lot. And I don't think I'm alone in saying that the worst epitaph you could
possibly have on your tombstone is "Killed a lot by Martin Lawrence."
Bad Boys 2 is, of course, the sequel to the tepidly successful 1995 release
"Bad Boys." It is NOT a sequel to the tepidly successful Gloria
Estefan and Miami Sound Machine hit from the mid-80s. Although they do have
things in common. To wit:
1) Bad Boys the MOVIE was set in MIAMI -- Bad Boys the SONG was performed by
the MIAMI Sound Machine.
2) Will Smith is a multiple Grammy winner -- Gloria Estefan was a multiple
Grammy winner.
3)Gloria Estefan was badly injured in a bus accident -- I really want Martin
Lawrence to be badly injured in a bus accident.
Eerie, huh? If THAT doesn't knock your socks off, try this: Gloria
Estefan has an assistant named Martin, and Martin Lawrence has an assistant
named Gloria!
Ok, I made that last one up, but still, it's pretty eerie.
But whatever. We're not here to discuss the musical merits of Gloria Estefan.
Sadly, we're here to discuss Bad Boys 2.
So anyhoo, this re-teams the unlikely cop partnership of Smith's Mike Lowrey
and Lawrence's Marcus Burnett. When I say unlikely, you may think I mean
unlikely in a Felix-Unger-Oscar-Madison sort of way, but I don't. I mean in a
n-the-name-of-fuck-gave-these-two-psychopaths-badges-and-live-ammunition way.
Burnett lives in one of the nicest houses in Miami and Lowrey drives a Ferrari.
They're narcotics cops, yet they can afford the kind of luxuries that only
crooked politicians have. Let's face it.these two have GOT to be on the take.
Between that and their penchant for killing people and destroying property, I'd
suggest that the residents of Miami all pack up and move somewhere safer --
like South Central Los Angeles or Flint, Michigan
The plot is about as mindless as you'd think. A Cuban drug smuggler is trying
to control the apparently-very-lucrative Ecstasy trade in Miami. His preferred
method of smuggling is to hide the contraband inside hollowed out cadavers. Not
only is this disgusting, but it sets up a scene where the two Protectors Of The
Peace ogle a dead woman with large breasts and make unkind remarks about her.
Yes, THAT'S what passes for humour in this one. Well, that and Martin Lawrence
accidentally swallowing 2 hits of Ecstasy, which would be enough to either kill
or incapacitate anyone else. Instead, it gives him a boner. Oh, and he also
gets shot in the ass. Which is exactly how you'll feel after shelling out 10
bucks to see this mess.
But heck, you're not here for the witty repartee and dense plot, you're here
for the action, right? Well Chachi, you've come to the right place. This movie
has got action. Lots of it. Plenty of slo-mo shots of bullets and Smith diving
with 2 guns blazing John Woo style. And explosions. And car chases (fortunately
Smith is such an accomplished driver that he can survive multi-car collisions,
explosions, and gunfights with only a headlight shot out and NOT ANOTHER
SCRATCH on his Ferrari.). Then there's the splattering of blood and grey
matter, Lawrence interrogating a corpse.it just goes on, kids. This is so full
of over-the-top excess it makes Charlie's Angels 2 look like a Merchant Ivory
flick. It's like Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer forgot what the
"2" behind the title meant and decided to cram two movies' worth of
action into one overly-long crap-fest.
Let me be upfront about something: I loathe Martin Lawrence. I have never, ever
found him funny or talented. Given the choice between a Martin Lawrence movie
and 2 hours of long-distance commercials, I'd be "dialling down the
middle" before you could say "Carrot Top." Remember, long before
those Budweiser clods hijacked pop culture by saying "Wazzup?"
Lawrence was doing the same annoying shtick on his FOX show. That having been
said, I have to admit that I actually liked him in this. It's actually Smith
who comes off as the annoying douchebag. Martin plays the role with a
world-weariness that reminded me of Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon movies,
and it was a nice change. The rest of the cast were fine, considering they were
nothing more than either set dressing or exploding targets. The cast includes
Gabrielle Union, Joe Pantoliano, Henry Rollins, and Jon Seda, all of whom
should know better. Heck, after "Ali" you'd think Will Smith would
know better too.
Basically, the movie's 2 and a half hours of exploding stuff and people getting
killed 3 times before they hit the ground. It's a veritable orgy of violence
with almost no redeeming factors. View at your own risk. And if the Bad Boys
come for you, for the love of Christ stay away from me.I don't want to be hit
by a stray bullet.
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