Today's Review: S.W.A.T.
Starring: Colin Farrell, Samuel L. Jackson
Directed by: Clark Johnson
Rating: 3 out of 5.
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The Naked Critic
The good news here is mostly for the ladies. Colin Farrell is appearing in his
75th movie so far in 2003. I honestly don't understand why every woman on the
planet seems to be fascinated with this guy. I mean, he's a decent actor and
all, but he's really just a bushy-eye-browed, heavy-drinking, Irish, profanity
addict. I mean jeez...I've got 2 out of four of these qualities myself, but
women don't look twice at me. Maybe I need the Irish accent and the eyebrows. I
can work on that.
At any rate, S.W.A.T. is Hollywood's latest proof that there are no original
ideas left. I mean, it's one thing to adapt a popular show to the big screen.
Some of them, like The Untouchables, turn out to be pretty good movies. Most of
them suck, but every once in a while there's a good one.
The difference is, most of these adaptations are of well-regarded shows.
S.W.A.T. isn't one of them. Nobody watched it when it was on, and so one has to
wonder who thought a big-screen adaptation was a good idea. Maybe it saved them
the effort involved in coming up with a fresh idea. Remember, they're working
on movie versions of "The A Team" and "The Dukes Of
Hazzard," so anything is possible.
Then again, when you think about it, a show with absolutely no real fans won't
have the same fanboy-backlash that, say, a Star Trek movie would elicit.
Nobody's going to come out of S.W.A.T. complaining about concentrated use of
dilithium crystal power to inhibit the motor functions of the Borg Collective.
Or, to use a more S.W.A.T.-centric example, nobody's going to come out saying
"Farrell's good, but he's no Robert Urich."
As the movie opens, downtown L.A. is under siege. A group of ultra-violent
toughs have decided to rob a bank, and based on the number of cops, media, and
camera-toting tourists on hand, it's not going all that well. In fact, it's
going so badly that one crook - disappointed by the lack of cops left to shoot
- decides to take out his frustration by shooting every single pane of glass in
the city. A side-thought here: Do you think glaziers see these big downtown
area shootouts and hear cash registers ringing? I mean, if I were in the
glass-cutting-and-fitting business, every time I'd see one of these midtown
rampages, I'd be quivering with anticipation. I'd probably be on the scene
within moments, ducking the yellow police tape in order to give my business
card to every merchant within three blocks, assuring them of my low rates and
offering no-obligation estimates. I'd likely become the glass industry's
version of the ambulance-chasing lawyer. I could be sitting on a gold mine
here...
But back to the movie: These particular bad guys are in for a surprise...the
S.W.A.T. team is on the scene. If you don't know the lingo, S.W.A.T. stands for
"Special Weapons And Tactics." The bad news is that the "Special
Weapons" seem to consist of a camera that can somehow slip under doors yet
still manages to be a full 3 inches thick...and there's no WAY a bad guy would
spot THAT. You could shove your wiener under the door and realistically attract
less attention. (Men only)
But the crooks play along with the script and don't see this foot-wide device.
This gives Street (Farrell) and Gamble (Jeremy Renner) the opportunity to bust
into the bank virtually un-noticed...even when their commanding officer asks
them to STAND DOWN.
So, to sum up; you've got partners...one the hottest actor on the planet, and
the other some dude you've never seen before. Which one do YOU think is the
loose cannon?
Now to shake things up a bit here, I'm going to write the following in the
style of the cult-hit TV show "Banzai!"
(http://www.fox.com/banzai/)
------------------------------
This OFFICER GAMBLE! Officer Gamble is very angry shoot-em-up cowboy policeman!
Officer Gamble in bank surrounded by dishonourable bad-guy robbers! Very
naughty men! One have innocent nice-lady as hostage! Officer Gamble no have
clean shot at bad-guy robber!
What does Roy-Rogers-cowboy Gamble do?
Does he: a) Sit down and have nicey-nicey chit-chat with robber, making robber
GIVE UP?
b) RADIO boss-man Lieutenant for advice and back-up good guys?
c) Take advice from wood-boy Keanu Reeves in stinky-stinky movie
"Speed" and SHOOT hostage?
d) Shoot everyone in bank and let GOD sort out later?
PLACE BETS NOW!!!
TICK
TOCK
Oh...these naughty bad-guy men in TROUBLE NOW!!!
TICK
TOCK
Colin Farrell make wife think NAUGHTY THOUGHTS!!!
TICK
TOCK
BETTING ENDS!!!
If you say "a) Sit down and have nicey-nicey chit-chat with robber, making
robber GIVE UP?" then you NEVER SEE HOLLYWOOD MOVIES! You are STUPID and
WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!! FOOLISH PERSON!
But if you say "c) Take advice from wood-boy Keanu Reeves in stinky-stinky
movie 'Speed' and SHOOT hostage?" then you are WINNER! WINNER! WINNER!!
------------------------------
The woman, for some strange reason, doesn't react well to being shot by a
police officer and sues the police department. This leads to every single
clichéd "Captain's Office" conversation that you've ever seen.
Gamble and Street try and justify their behaviour while the "jerk"
captain yells at them about their tactics. The only cliché not in use
here was having one of them go to the door, a la Columbo, turn back, and say
"Oh, just one more thing..."
The "jerk" captain talks to Street mano-a-mano and tries to get him
to rat Gamble out. Street refuses, even though he knows Gamble is wrong. This
proves that he's noble in the eyes of macho idiots worldwide, and proves to the
rest of us that he isn't that bright. As a result, he's busted down to working
in the "cage" while Gamble is kicked off the force.
A few months later, he's still in the cage. Samuel L. Jackson, who plays
"Samuel L. Jackson" under the name "Hondo", is putting
together his own personal S.W.A.T. team and, naturally, picks Street to be a
part of it.
You'll notice that every character has a macho, manly name in this movie.
There's "Hondo", "Street", "Gamble", and
"Boxer" among others. Hell, even the token female S.W.A.T. officer is
named "Chris" (played by the wicked sexy Michelle Rodriguez).
Interesting trivia for all you ladies out there...the REAL L.A.P.D. S.W.A.T.
team doesn't have a single woman on it! Once again, Hollywood is promoting
women's rights. God bless them.
So we see them go through S.W.A.T. training together, which is actually pretty
cool. The best part is a game of "Sniper Poker", where the recruits
all have to snipe playing cards hundreds of yards away and build a good hand.
My Tuesday night poker club refuses to play this version however, and this
pisses me off. I mean, if the rule is "Dealer's Choice" then I'm well
within my rights to choose Sniper Poker, but NOOOOOO! What a bunch of pansies.
But all is not well in S.W.A.T.-ville. It turns out that a ruthless
international criminal -- played by Olivier Martinez -- has been brought into
custody after being caught with a busted tail-light. That's right, folks, a
billionaire psychopath got BUSTED for having a bad tail-light. If I knew it was
THAT easy to get a psychotic billionaire busted, I'd have taken out Ted
Turner's years ago. While in custody, he offers "ONE HOHNDRED
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELEEEEON DOLLAHRS" to anyone who can get him out.
I'm not going to read anything into the fact that, in today's political
climate, the big bad guy is French. You shouldn't either.
Now, strangely enough, a lot of people want to take Frenchie up on his offer.
Thus, you have our heroic S.W.A.T. team working overtime trying to transfer him
into federal custody while everyone from common street thugs to bad cops are
trying to spring him and cash in on the reward. This is because criminals are
stupid...I mean, they're not even doing credit checks on this guy. How do they
know he's good for it? Taking him on his word means they run the risk of not
getting the cash for at least 120 days. At that point, they'd have to turn him
over to a third-party collection agency, and things would just get even uglier.
As bad as Frenchie is, compared to these collection agency goons he wouldn't
stand a chance.
As far as summer popcorn flicks go, this really isn't that bad. Sure, it's
cliché-ridden and predictable, but it's still pretty entertaining.
Martinez really chews the scenery, and proves he can do more than just bang
Diane Lane. Also pretty good is the unlikely-cast Josh Charles. If you have any
taste for quality television, you'll remember him from "Sports
Night", but sadly, most people will always know him as the lovelorn Knox
Overstreet in "Dead Poet's Society". In fact, there's nobody in the
cast who's bad...even LL Cool J is pretty good.
Most of the credit for S.W.A.T. goes to Clark Johnson. He's a cop-show
vet...you may remember him as Meldrick Lewis on "Homicide: Life On The
Street." He balances the movie quite nicely...the action can be a little
extreme, but it never feels like there's action for the sake of action. He
paces it expertly so as not to overwhelm you with shoot-em-ups or bore you with
too much plot development or character development. Considering the 1970's
script he's been given to work with, he pulls off a solid flick that should
entertain everybody.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and set up my glazier's business in Los
Angeles. I think I can make a fortune...this could potentially make me ONE
HOHNDRED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELEEEEON DOLLAHRS!! So long, suckers!
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