Today's Review: Freddy Vs. Jason
Starring: Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Monica Keena
Directed by: Ronny Yu
Rating: 2.5 out of 5.
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The Naked Critic
This is probably going to lose me a ton of credibility, but what the hell...I
didn't have a lot to begin with.
I've already confessed that horror films are a guilty pleasure. I've been
watching both of these series since I was a kid, and I have to admit, I haven't
been this excited about a team-up since Fred and Barney met The Shmoo.
I don't know why I feel the need to qualify this, but I will anyway. The
original Nightmare On Elm Street was a pretty good, scary movie. The 3rd
instalment, Dream Warriors, was somewhat clever and inventive, and Wes Craven's
New Nightmare was actually very cleverly written.
Okay, fine, the Friday the 13th series has always sucked pretty hard, but any
series that allows you to witness the gory murders of Kevin Bacon, Crispin
Glover, David Cronenberg, and Ron "Horschack" Pallilo can't be all
bad. Heck, he even took out Terry "Weekend At Bernie's" Kiser, and
this time NOBODY mistook him for being really alive, damn it!
But enough about my Z-Grade celebrity blood lust...you want to know about the
movie. But if you can think of any Z-graders you'd LIKE to see die in any
follow-up Freddy/Jason movies, be sure to email me. Personally, I'm rooting for
Bob Saget.
Poor Freddy Krueger. When the movie opens, it seems that our "hero"
is all but powerless. Through some sort of cosmic chicanery, it seems that he
can only exist as long as people are afraid of him...and the good folks on Elm
Street are more afraid of the prospect of "Gigli 2" than Freddy --
not that I blame them. So, he hatches an ingenious plan...he goes into fellow
psychopath Jason's psyche and pretends to be his Mother, ordering him to Elm
Street . His thinking is that Jason will kill a few drinking, dope-smoking,
fornicating teens -- as he is wont to do -- scaring the town and giving him his
power again.
So Jason digs his way out of whatever makeshift grave he's in and heads on out
to Elm Street from his home in Crystal Lake. Now, this is a problem: you see,
the movies have always been pretty geographically vague, but it seems like
Crystal Lake is just a short jog from Elm Street. I mean, there's no other
explanation. And if you live in a neighbourhood that is equidistant from Jason
and Freddy's stomping grounds, well then my friends, there's a REASON you can't
sell that adorable split-level you bought for "a song" back in 1981.
You'd be safer buying a house with the Crips and Bloods living on either side
of you.
Now, to be fair, we're never told how LONG it takes Jason to make the journey,
but you have to assume he walked. He obviously doesn't have a license, because
I tried to pose for my license picture wearing a hockey mask, and those fuckers
at the DMV wouldn't have NONE of it. There's no way he'd get on a plane with
that machete in this day and age...unless he flies Southwest Airlines. And I'd
have to believe that even Freddy Krueger would let Jason expense the cost of a
Greyhound ticket...but then again, I've heard that the psychotic netherworld's
AP department is notoriously lax, so he'd probably be waiting for his check for
a while.
And, when you think about it...this answers one of Hollywood's greatest
questions: Why won't Jason die? Obviously, it's because he walks everywhere.
He's getting a great cardio workout!
Whatever...he walks to Elm Street.
At this point, we meet some of our victi...I mean "supporting
characters". One of the first is Lori (Monica Keena), a large-chested
wallflower who's emotionally scarred by her boyfriend suddenly abandoning her.
Then there's Gibb (Katharine Isabelle), the large-chested alcoholic. In case
you haven't figured out which of these 2 is destined to wind up in more than
one piece, here's some sample dialog:
(Gibb lights a cigarette)
Lori: What are you doing? I thought you quit.
Gibb: I did! I only smoke when I drink now.
Lori: You drink all the time.
Gibb: Yeah, well I'll work on that next.
So, after meeting up with some other unsavoury teens with "victim"
written all over them, Jason is good enough to attack. All should be going
swimmingly.
Except it's not that easy. Nobody's afraid of Freddy because the town's parents
have been doping up their kids with dream suppressants and never even
mentioning Freddy's name. Anyone who knows about him, has been shuttled off to
an insane asylum, including Lori's boyfriend Will. Will is played by Jason
Ritter, who is actually John Ritter's son. I don't want to spoil anything, but
there's a hysterical scene about halfway through where both Jason and Freddy
think he's gay, culminating in a hysterical comedy of errors at the Regal
Beagle with Ritter's good friend Larry.
So...the kids start to piece together the Freddy legend, giving him more power,
but just when he gets powerful enough to do a little killing of his own, he's
thwarted by Jason...who dispatches of the victim himself. This illustrates
another reason why Jason would never get reimbursed for his Greyhound
ticket...Krueger is a terrible manager. I mean, you don't HIRE someone to do a
job and then get a trifle miffed when your employee is good at it. Any HR
department worth its salt would have sent Freddy on a seminar after this.
At any rate, this is where the Versus part comes in. Freddy wants all the kids
for himself, and Jason is a psychotic mongoloid without the capacity for
rational thought. Obviously, not even a team-building retreat could solve this
rift...so they try to kill each other. Here's the thing. This is a terrible
movie. How terrible? Well, after witnessing a cornfield rave being decimated by
a hockey-mask-wearing, machete wielding maniac, our "heroes" decide
not to call the police. As in, they witness the slaughter of DOZENS of people,
and all they want to do afterwards is go home. What the fuck? Even your
hardest-core, gang-banging thug would go to the cops, but they decide, after
discussing it, that they'd rather just go home. That's the level of writing you
have to work with.
And yet, I still enjoyed it.
It's not scary...not in the least. It's poorly acted by pretty much everyone
except Englund, terribly written, and an exercise in gory excess by Director
Ronny Yu. There's actually more blood in this movie than there is water in
"Titanic" Yet, strangely, I still enjoyed it. I don't RECOMMEND it,
but what the Hell...I had fun. If you've EVER enjoyed a movie in either series,
you'll probably like this as well. You won't think it's GOOD, but you'll enjoy
it.
Let me break it down along gender lines.
MEN: There's not a small-chested woman in the movie, except for Destiny's Child
singer Kelly Rowland. And she's still really, really hot. Other than her, every
woman involved strains the buttons on their blouses. It's really quite
exploitative, but my guess is that if you're considering seeing this,
gender-equality isn't high on your priority list. There's nudity too...notably
Katharine Isabelle, who is best known as the werewolf in "Ginger
Snaps" and is, honestly, big time sexy.
WOMEN: There's not a single thing here that you'll like. Unless, of course,
you're really into horror films. If that's the case, you'll have your choice of
pasty, greasy-haired horror fans to choose from at the theatre.
Overall, it's fun, but terrible at the same time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to meet both Freddy and Jason at a cabin retreat to try and instil a sense
of teamwork into them. Otherwise, management is just going to pass them both
over in favor of Hallowe'en's Michael Myers.
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