Today's Review: Underworld
Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman
Directed by: Len Wiseman
Rating: 2 (out of 5)
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The Naked Critic
I want to be a Hollywood producer. I really, really do. I'm not in it for the
money...I do just fine writing movie reviews for free and eating pre-cooked
Swedish Meatballs for breakfast. I don't want the fame...because I'd probably
come off like a real douchebag like Robert Evans did in "The Kid Stays In
The Picture." Ditto the fancy clothes...I'm just fine in my Eddie Bauer
pants and collection of promotional T shirts...besides, I make this look GOOD.
No, I want to be a Hollywood producer so I can be a party to conversations like
this:
"Hey Bobby! It's Naked Critic here. Listen, I've just read this script,
and baby, we've got a winner on our hands. Are you sitting down? Ok...here's
the deal...it's Romeo & Juliet...only instead of fruity-ass Shakespearean
characters, they're vampires and werewolves! Hello? Bobby? Are you there?"
Yes kids, the movie is Underworld, and it's a post-modern retelling of the
star-crossed romance between young Capulet and Montague. Except Juliet is a
vampire and assassin. And Romeo is a clueless dope who's been bitten by a
werewolf. And a war has been raging for centuries between the two factions. And
the dialogue sounds like Shakespeare wrote it...after a month-long mead bender,
in the dark, using a sub-standard quill, all after suffering near-fatal brain
damage from taking a header off the stage of the Globe Theater. Oh, and not
William Shakespeare...I'm talking about Stewie Shakespeare, William's
developmentally challenged half-brother.
As the movie opens, we're introduced to Selene, played by the
knee-weakeningly-hot Kate Beckinsale. She explains in voiceover that she's a
"Death Dealer", which I suppose offers more job security than
"Blackjack Dealer" or "Used Car Dealer". I don't recall
seeing any "Death Dealer" courses offered at the Learning Annex, but
I'm sure they exist.
Her job is basically to walk around their nameless gothic-looking town
(Budapest, actually) and kill Lycans (werewolves, for all you laypeople out
there.) Her and another vamp jump about a gajillion stories to the ground in
pursuit of two Lycans they see heading for the subway. Once on the platform,
chaos ensues.
"Hey Bobby! Naked again. We must have been cut off. So, like I was saying,
we'll set the movie in modern times. See, this way, we don't have to deal with
all those fangs and claws and however else Vampires and Werewolves fight each
other. This way we can give them guns and shit. Hello? Bobby?"
That's right. These are high-tech undead creatures of the night we're dealing
with here. The Vamps have silver bullets for the Lycans, who in turn have
bullets filled with Ultra-Violet goop to kill the Vampires.
Now, how you harness the rays of the sun and compress them into handy bullet
form is a mystery to me. However, I'd like to know their secret. I can't tan
for the life of me, so perhaps a bullet full of UV rays would be good for me.
They could even open up a salon. I can see the infomercial now..."Are you
sick and tired of risking skin cancer by lying in the sun? Do you hate
uncomfortable tanning beds? Frustrated by gooey tanning gels? Well, worry no
more! Here at Ed's Shoot 'N' Tan, we'll cure you of your Gollum-like pallor
with the squeeze of a trigger! Come on down and let us bust a cap of golden
sunshine in your ass! Located conveniently next door to the emergency room at
First General Hospital!"
So during this huge subway shoot-out, a passerby is wounded. This is a shame,
because you'd think that in centuries of warfare, these undead creatures would
have been able to perfect their aim by now. Rushing to the civilian's side is
Michael Corvin, played by Scott Speedman with all of the emotion of a comatose
Keanu Reeves. Apparently, this scraggly-haired department store mannequin is a
surgical intern. But before he can pretend to administer first aid, the Lycans
are on him like stink on a cab driver. Selene helps him escape, chases the
Lycans into the tunnels, and makes like a ninja with some high-tech throwing
stars.
"Hey Bobby! Naked again. I think my phone's on the fritz. So, yeah, like I
was saying, it won't be JUST guns. We'll give them some silver throwing stars
too...like ninjas! Everyone loves ninjas, right? Hello? Bobby?"
Selene heads back to Stately Vampire Manor, where her and the rest of the
vampires live in splendor and bacchanalian excess. There we meet Kraven, the
so-called leader of the Vampires. He's played by Shane Brolly, and is
apparently only here to remind us of Alan Rickman. And after a few of his
hammy, pathetically acted scenes, you'll wish that the producers had ponied up
the cash for Rickman instead of this Rickman-themed Muppet.
Meanwhile, the Lycans are living in splendor and bacchanalian excess
themselves, except they're doing it in the sewers. I'd like to think that if
they lived in sewers. Their super-sensitive wolf-senses would be pretty much
overwhelmed in a matter of picoseconds, but they're a plucky bunch. They're
plotting something nefarious, as is evidenced by the sneering and glaring of
their leader Lucien (Michael Sheen). There's also a creepy looking scientist
dude running some sort of experiment, which we're conveniently kept in the dark
about. That's ok, because later in the film when we find out WHAT the
experiment is, it's so illogical and incomprehensible that you'd wish they
hadn't tried to explain it.
Selene realizes through looking at her high-tech surveillance equipment that
the Lycans were actually after Michael. Fellow sexy vampire and schemer Erika
(Sophia Myles) sums it up best by noting "He's attractive...for a
human." Obviously, despite the technology and resources of the Vampire
clan, she's never seen an episode of "Felicity", because she's know
that Scott Speedman isn't so much human as he is a carbon-based life form with
all the emotional range of a piece of driftwood.
Selene decides she has to find out why the Lycans are targeting a human, so she
pops by his apartment for a visit. Unfortunately, the Lycans have the same
idea. Once again, chaos ensues. In fact, chaos ensues a lot in this movie.
During the fracas, Lucien bites Michael, hence dooming him to a life of
shape-shifting and avoiding full moons. However, the upside to this is that
Selene and Michael begin to fall in love. This could be dangerous for two
reasons...firstly, they're technically at war with each other. But more
importantly, Michael is played by Scott Speedman, who appears to be made of
wood. And you know what happens to vampires when they get "impaled"
by "stakes" made of "wood", right? (See what I did
there...with the double entendre? There's no denominator low enough for the
Naked Critic, folks.)
"Hello? Bobby? Sorry, pal, I don't know what keeps happening. Anyway, what
I'm thinking we do is hire a couple of barely-literate monkeys to write the
screenplay. That way, with the money we save, we can spend more on gothic
locations and leather fetish-wear for everyone. And, before you say anything,
let me just say this...dialogue is over-rated. Look at the Star Wars movies!
That dialogue was utter shit and they still made a fortune. Hello? Bobby?
Hello?"
There's actually a fair amount to like about Underworld. It's a gorgeous movie
to look at. The gothic architecture, moody lighting, and inventive use of
pleather ups the "cool" factor a fair bit. The cast is good looking,
if nothing else. I don't know what made Beckinsale slum it to make this movie,
but I'm glad she did. For starters, hers is the only performance that isn't
laughably bad. And she looks great...I mean, she looks GREAT. This movie is
bound to spark internet-wide debates over who looks hotter in black
leather...Beckinsale or Carrie Ann Moss. The answer, by the way, is Beckinsale.
Even the gratuitous ass-shots of her are forgivable. In fact, based on the rest
of the movie, I'd say that it could have been a 2-hour ass-shot and still have
been better. Or, at the very least, I would have enjoyed it.
Shakespeare isn't the only person that's been ripped off in the making of
Underworld. They've also borrowed very liberally from "The Matrix",
"Blade", and "The Crow". This isn't bad per se. I love the
look of those movies, and usually, if you give me a gloomy looking locale,
vampires, and action, I'm pretty much yours for 2 hours. (By the way, the same
applies if you give me beer...but I digress.)
But like so much else, this is just style over substance. The script is
horrible, which is a shame because it could have been pretty entertaining with
a better story. Other than lousy acting, the central story is vague about a lot
of things. Oh, and not to ruin anything, but there's a combat-induced death
near the end that pretty much defies every rule of logic possible, movie or no
movie. It's just bad...so bad that the theatre literally erupted into screams
of laughter upon seeing it. Pathetic, really.
For now, I'm off. I'm heading down to Ed's Shoot 'N' Tan to catch some rays. I
just have a phone call to make first.
"Hello? Bobby? Naked again...what? What do you mean Bobby won't take my
calls any more? You tell him from ME that he's missing out on a golden
opportunity. See, I've got this idea for a movie, and it's Romeo & Juliet,
only they're werewolves and vampires...hello? Hello?"
GRATUITOUS PLUG TIME
Say, are you sick and tired of me reviewing movies that aren't that bad?
Well, have I got the list for you!
My Texan friend Danny Gallagher is quite a movie reviewer as well.
In fact, he's got his own list!
You can check out his hysterically funny "Movies That Suck" column by
going to
http://www.sillygirl.com/words.php?SubSectionID=11
Or subscribe by sending an email to MTS-subscribe@topica.com
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