Today's Review: Bend It Like Beckham (DVD)
Starring: Parminder K. Nagra, Keira Knightley
Written and Directed by: Gurinder Chadha
Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)
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The Naked Critic
Maybe it's because I don't hail from the UK, but I've never understood people's
fascination with David Beckham. Sure, he's a great player, but you have to
remember that we're taking about soccer (or football, as it's known in every
other part of the world but North America), which is, let's face, it, not a
high-scoring affair. How can you be a superstar in a sport where a 3-1 victory
is considered a blowout? You've got a tiny little goalie in front of a gaping
maw of a net the size of my liver...ah, just chalk it up to my North American
sensibilities.
There's one thing I will give props to Beckham for, and that's his ability to
put up with Victoria Beckham (AKA Posh Spice, AKA Bitch Spice) without being
driven totally batshit. And being the snotty, bitchy, unlikable Spice Girl is
really saying something...it's kind of like being the Really Evil Serial
Killer, or the Extremely Corrupt Televangelist. Beckham must be made of pretty
sturdy stuff...more than 10 minutes in a room with Posh Spice would have me
attempting to bludgeon myself to death with a pair of soccer cleats.
Fortunately, there's very little actual Beckham in "Bend It Like
Beckham". Other than the pictures of him that adorn the walls of the main
character's bedroom, their presence is limited to a "cameo" that
pretty much consists of a shot of them leaving a plane taken from about a mile
away. It's still too much, for my taste, but it falls far short of the
self-loving "cameo" I was expecting.
I figure they were asked to make a real cameo, and the conversation went a
little like this:
DAVID: Hey, this Gurinder Chadha woman is making a football movie about a young
girl that worships me, and has asked if we might want to make a cameo. Sounds
like fun.
VICTORIA: No.
DAVID: But Vic, love...
VICTORIA: Excuse me...but who's the
horrible-shrew-like-evil-untalented-celebrity here?
DAVID: You are, honey.
VICTORIA: And that means?
DAVID: You're the boss, dear.
VICTORIA: And don't you forget it. Now, I have to contact the Dark Lord Satan
about my contract re-negotiation. You don't want me to have to try and rely on
my talent, do you?
DAVID: No, love.
Of course, this is pure hypothesis.
If you're curious about the title, bending a soccer ball is the ability to kick
it so it curves around a line of defenders. It's something that Beckham is very
good at. And so is Jes (Parminder K. Nagra), so naturally fame and fortune
await, right? Ah, but she's got two major obstacles ahead of her. She's a girl
(who's much better than the boys that she plays with), and her parents are very
strict, traditional Sikhs who believe that their daughter playing soccer is
unladylike. They'd much rather have her spend her time helping out with her
vain sister's wedding arrangements, and getting ready for University. You see,
if she goes to University, it will be much easier for them to find a
"good" husband for her.
I smell a culture-clash coming!
But her talent can't be denied, and one day, she's spotted by Jules (Keira
Knightley) who starts watching her play. It's a little bit like mild stalking,
actually. But if Keira Knightley was stalking me, a restraining order would be
the furthest thing from my mind.
An aside: In the name of research, I went to the park near my apartment the
other night at about midnight to see if an incredibly sexy English girl would
stalk me. The good news is that I did manage to get a lot of attention, and
several lascivious propositions. The bad news is that, for some reason, they
all came from decidedly un-sexy guys. They kept referring to the fact that they
were "cruising", but there wasn't a ship anywhere nearby...we weren't
even near the lake! Very odd indeed.
Finally, Jules approaches Jes and asks her to try out for her all-girl soccer
team. Jes is hesitant at first, but once she visits the field she's all over
it. This is partially because she's thrilled to be able to play soccer with
other women, judgment-free, but also because her coach Joe (Jonathan
Rhys-Meyers) is a stone-cold hottie. Jules thinks so too, but since he's the
coach, he can't get involved with his players.
I smell a love-triangle coming!
So Jes decides to play, but she has to keep it from her parents. This involves
a lot of lying and subterfuge, all of which apparently causes her mother
"great shame."
Meanwhile, Jules has problems of her own. Her father loves the fact that she's
a great soccer player, but her mother is less than impressed. Apparently, she's
blind to the fact that her daughter is so stunningly sexy that she could wear a
potato sack and make it work, and keeps trying to "femme" her up. She
takes Jules shopping for inflatable bras and keeps telling her that her
tomboyish tendencies will never get her a man.
I smell a lesbian mix-up coming!
I liked this movie quite a bit, but at the same time, I'm a sucker for sports
movies. It's sad...I can sit through profoundly moving pictures without batting
an eye, but give me a sports movie where the underdogs overcome adversity and I
get choked up every time.
One of my most embarrassing moments involved watching "Little Giants"
- the Rick Moranis/Ed O'Neill kids football movie - on an airplane. Near the
end, when the one kid saw that his never-there Dad had showed up for the big
game, and he wound up scoring a touchdown while trying to run through the end
zone and hug him...I actually shed a tear or two. This resulted in my
then-girlfriend staring at me like she expected a cuckoo to pop out of my head
on a little spring. I got the same look from the guy sitting across the aisle.
And the flight attendant. But it was just so wonderful...his dad finally came
to see him! And he just ran and ran and...
Excuse me, I need a tissue.
The other thing is, it's not terribly original. It's like someone put "The
Bad News Bears" and "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" in a blender and
set it to "Liquefy". This could be a problem, but fortunately
writer/director Chadha has used the better parts of these movies. The result is
a pretty good time.
If you have a teenage daughter, or know someone who does, then this is HIGHLY
recommended. Not only will they be able to identify with the leads, but it also
does a good job about making people feel good about how they look, without
getting preachy. One scene that sticks out is when Jes becomes despondent that
she has to wear shorts as part of her uniform. It turns out that she has a
really nasty burn on her leg, the result of a childhood accident. Coach Joe
gives her a pretty effective pep-talk about not having to worry about it.
Rather than your typical "It's what's INSIDE that counts, you poor, sweet
girl" speech that you'd get in a Hollywood picture, he simply shrugs it
off as no big deal...it's acknowledged and forgotten about quickly...the
message is still there, but nobody dwells on it. It's a nice change from what
you're used to seeing in this kind of movie.
Maybe I need a Joe...someone who can tell me that it's okay to have
unmanageable, prematurely grey hair and a body like a potato with pipe-cleaners
for arms and legs.
The DVD is a mixed bag. There's some cut scenes that were, quite frankly,
wisely cut. There's also a neat little video that features Chadha and her
"Aunties" showing you how to make Aloo Gobi. I took notes...I want to
be able to cook something more than Ramen noodles and microwave burritos one of
these days.
And if I've offended any Posh Spice fans with my review, let me just
say..."You're a Posh Spice fan? WHY?"
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