Today's Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Starring: Jessica Biel, R. Lee Ermey
Directed by: Marcus Nispel
Rating: 3 (out of 5)
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The Naked Critic
There is no reason for this movie to exist.
If you've never seen it, Tobe Hooper's original 1974 TCM is, quite frankly, one
of the most brilliant horror films ever made. It ranks right up there with the
original "Night Of The Living Dead". Shot on 16mm film, with almost
no budget, he made what is arguably the most disturbing movie ever created. One
that remained BANNED in the UK for 25 years, and is still banned in many
countries. And it elicited this reaction while being almost completely
gore-free...legend has it that Hooper was hoping for a PG rating.
So heck...why not REMAKE it, throw a lot of gore in, add a big-name producer
(Michael Bay) and completely remove all of the twisted, disturbing s*** that
made the original so popular in the first place.
F*****g Hollywood, man. If some of these a******s had their way, they'd remake
"Citizen Kane" with a happy ending and no Rosebud.
It's sad, too, because the remake isn't a horrible movie. Sure, it's been
reduced to a more-or-less typical horror movie, but it's a surprisingly
effective more-or-less typical horror movie. It scared me pretty badly...had I
been in the theatre with someone I knew, I'd have likely grabbed onto them
several times like a girl. As it was, I don't think the rather large, 250-pound
bodybuilder in the next seat would have appreciated that, so I kept it to
myself. Then again, he might have put his large, weight-trained arms around me
and comforted me, whispering "It's ok...it's just a movie," in my ear
while stroking my hair with a gentleness that would be surprising considering
his large muscles...
Okay, that's even creeping ME out. Let's continue.
We open with a creepy voiceover by John Larroquette. Interesting bit of
trivia...he also did the narration for the original, which was his first
professional job. Sadly, this is as close to the original as this remake
gets.
So, after that and some "recently discovered police footage" we meet
our victims, tooling through the middle of Texas in their van. Lynyrd Skynyrd's
"Sweet Home Alabama" is blaring on the radio, and they're on the way
to see the band in Dallas, so naturally they're all doomed.
Okay, maybe that isn't a foregone conclusion. It's probably just me. I hate
Skynyrd, especially "Sweet Home Alabama". Three years of hosting
Karaoke will do that to you. So, when I hear a bunch of people listening to and
singing Skynyrd, I personally hope that they're about to meet their doom at the
hands of a chainsaw-wielding maniac. I think that's just me though.
So, who are these kids? Well, in the back seat, making out like there's no
tomorrow, are Pepper (Erica Leerhsen) and Andy (Mike Vogel). It turns out that
Pepper is a hitchhiker that they'd just picked up the day before, and, well, I
guess her and Andy hit it off. Hmmm...promiscuity...nothing bad could happen to
THEM, could it?
In the front, there's Kemper (Eric Balfour) and Erin. Erin, you should know, is
played by the large, jiggling breasts of Jessica Biel. And since she's the only
one of the 5 that you've ever heard of, and she has large, jiggling breasts,
I'll let you guess who of the 5 makes it out of all this.
Finally, in the "Lucky Pierre" position between the couples in the
front and back is Morgan. Morgan likes to smoke pot, which gets consumed by
everyone but Erin. Hmmm...drug abuse...nothing bad could happen to THEM, could
it?
So, in the midst of all this pot smoking, making out, and Skynyrd loving, they
happen upon a young woman, waking in a daze down the road. She's barely
coherent and covered in blood, so naturally they pick her up and drive away
with her. Because that's what stoned, horny Skynyrd fans are wont to do. It's a
short ride though, because after realizing that they're taking her back to the
place she just "escaped" from, she takes out a gun and...hmmm...
I don't know how to put this that doesn't sound mean-spirited and
unsympathetic. Let me try. (Ahem)...she pulls out a gun and gives herself a
"sunroof".
Damn, that didn't work very well, did it?
Now our victims have a well-ventilated corpse in their van, and despite the
fact that it seems that something in this backwater town caused her to do it,
they figure they should report the suicide. Thus...the carnage begins.
Like I said, on it's own, this movie is actually scary as hell. If you can get
over the total mess they've made of the source material, there's some good
stuff here. My biggest complaint is that they made it "Hollywood"
For starters, it's supposed to be set in 1974, yet Biel runs around in a pair
of tight, distressed jeans that look like they were taken off the rack at The
Gap last week. But I guess we're supposed to suspend our disbelief...either
that, or it's being done so we can get plenty of peeks at her fabulous ass. One
or the other.
Plus, the remake KILLS you with backstory. Part of what makes a lot of the best
horror movies good is when you don't know a lot about the people involved.
There was no backstory about the Blair Witch kids. We don't CARE if Kemper and
Erin are thinking about getting married. We don't CARE that Erin did a stint in
juvie. And we certainly don't care why Leatherface wears masks, or that he got
teased as a child. THAT'S what made the first one great...the voyeuristic
horror of watching these random people in this horrible situation. When you
throw in all these explanations, it becomes, somehow, less terrifying.
What the remake does do well, it does VERY well. The casting, other than the
victims, is spot-on perfect. R. Lee Ermey - best known as the psychotic drill
sergeant in "Full Metal Jacket", is actually brilliant as the nutbar
Sheriff. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast is loaded full of more inbred freaks
than a "Deliverance" convention.
Plus, and this is going to sound ridiculous, but it's beautifully shot. There
are certain scenes that just fill you with a sense of dread, based solely on
the surroundings. Plus, if you've ever had a burning desire to see Harry
Knowles from Ain't It Cool News decapitated (and who hasn't, really?) then this
is the picture for you.
I think this sums it up perfectly, and I swear to Christ this actually
happened. On my way out of the screening, there was a sweet, little old lady
with some people that I assume are her kids or grandkids. She was 70 if she was
a day. One of the possible-kids asked her what she thought of it, and she
paused and said "It was okay...but nowhere near as good as the
original."
But Granny was right. Overall, it's a solid thriller, even if it doesn't do the
original justice. It's gory, it has some big scares, and it's even a little
disturbing. You should probably see it with someone you can hold on to. Or,
conversely, find a 250-pound bodybuilder, with strong-yet-gentle hands who can
comfort you. It helps. Believe me.
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