Today's Review: It Runs In The Family (DVD)
Starring: Michael Douglas, Kirk Douglas
Directed by: Fred Schepisi
Rating: 2 (out of 5)
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The Naked Critic
I'm a little stunned. I feel a little numb, a little dizzy, and my eyes aren't
quite focusing right. I'm aware that this could be because of the truly heroic
amount of beer I drank yesterday, and the mild hangover I'm now suffering
through.
But I don't think that's it. I think I'm actually stunned by the sheer, utter
pointlessness of "It Runs In The Family". I mean I'm aware that I
spent the 109 minutes to watch the film, and then watched some of the extras on
the DVD. But...I've taken nothing away from it. Absolutely nothing.
I don't feel entertained, moved, or enlightened. It's like I slept and had a
109-minute dream about Kirk Douglas. Except I tend to remember dreams, and now
- just a few moments later - I'm having trouble remembering anything about the
movie.
Why, for the love of Mike, would you MAKE a movie so empty, so devoid of heart
and meaning? This is a movie version of Empty Calories. Or, to use a musical
metaphor, this movie is a Michael Bolton song...overproduced, overexposed, and
lyrically impotent.
What's it about? Well, the Gromberg family is dysfunctional. The eldest,
Mitchell (Kirk Douglas) is a cold, unfeeling, rich man, who deep down inside
wants to die. He pretty much begs the doctor to find something wrong with him,
even thought he's made a miraculous recovery from a stroke.
There's his son Alex (Michael Douglas) who pretty much rides the coattails of
his father's success. He's a partner at the law firm his father founded, where
he represents a building conglomerate. However, his lefty tendencies are fed by
the fact that he volunteers in a soup kitchen and takes pro-bono work to help
poor people fight "the man". This is because he's Michael Douglas,
and god forbid he play a character with any serious flaws.
I mean really...the man hasn't played a real honest-to-goodness prick since
Wall Street. That performance won him a richly deserved Oscar. Since then, it's
been one mid-life-crisis-having diamond-in-the-rough after another.
Dude...you're GOOD at playing the prick...try doing it again sometime.
Then there's Alex's two sons. Asher (Cameron Douglas...Michael's son) is a
dope-selling burnout sleeping his way through college and fucking up every
minor responsibility he has. Meanwhile, his younger brother Eli (Rory Culkin)
is a young-republican-in-training. He's emotionally distant and doesn't talk
much. Case in point, rather than just asking for a raise in allowance, he
presents his parents with a graph detailing his expenses.
An aside: What the hell is it with these Culkin kids? I take nothing away from
young Rory...he's very good in this and the other movies he's made lately. He's
just as talented, if not more so, than his older siblings. It's just that
there's all so creepily similar. He's the spitting image of his brother
Macaulay, not to mention the rest of them...Kieran, Quinn, Christian, Sleepy,
and Doc. My theory is this: The Kieran clan doesn't HAVE children...they clone
them. They're going to dig up the Culkin basement one of these days and see
dozens of pod-like eggs incubating, ready to hatch at a moment's notice, thus
ensuring a never ending stream of income for CulkinCorp, the leaders in
bio-engineered child actors.
So, the movie starts by developing the character traits above.
And that's it. Thanks for coming!
They do NOTHING. Sure, they bicker and argue a bit, but nothing, and I mean
NOTHING gets resolved. Nobody changes. Story elements are introduced, but never
resolved. It's like watching selected home movies from the Most Boring Family
In America. At the end of the movie, Mitchell is still a cold fish. Asher is
still a burnout, and Alex is still a douchebag. Sure, it's great that one of
them makes the proclamation that they're going to come together as a
family...but we never see it happen. The movie ends before any of them have an
opportunity to change.
I mean, big fucking deal. I could vow to all of you to finally quit smoking
tomorrow. But if I don't show you any proof that I've quit, or talk about how
hard quitting is, will you give a rat's ass? Of course not, and that's the
problem with this movie...you just don't give a rat's ass.
It's really just the vainest possible project for the Douglas clan. This is
apparently the first time Michael and Kirk have worked together. So what? This
is the first time Rory Culkin and Bernadette Peters have worked together too,
and nobody's making a big deal out of that. It's about as important as me
telling you that this is the first review I've ever written hung over. It's
pointless trivia...nothing else.
Kirk is actually pretty good in this, considering he suffered a serious stroke
a few years ago. The resulting performance is occasionally hard to watch on
screen...you can tell what hard work it is for him to get through some of his
scenes, and you just want to smack Michael and whoever else is responsible for
putting him in this movie. Let him RETIRE AND REST already!
On the other end of the spectrum, Cameron Douglas is making his debut here.
He's ok for a first time actor...although I won't be holding my breath to see
him in anything else in the near future. As for Michael? He's playing the
Michael Douglas role yet again, and he's fine, but ho-hum.
The DVD has a couple of mildly interesting extras, including a tribute to Kirk.
But overall, it's just as dull and pointless as the rest of the disc.
This is going to be a "talking-rental" for a lot of people. You'll
get it at Blockbuster because all the good stuff has been rented already.
You'll put it on with your spouse, watch a few minutes of it, then remind them
that they need to take the garbage out, or that the tub needs a good cleaning.
Then one of you will go make a snack, while the other takes a phone call from
Cousin Phil. You'll forget to pause the movie, and then when you hang up, your
spouse will come back with a nice tuna-fish sandwich for you. They'll ask
"Did I miss anything," and you'll say "Not much." Perhaps
then one of the kids will come in and ask for some money, or keys to the car,
and you'll give them a quick talking-to about responsibility before giving them
what they ask for. Then the movie will end and you'll do some chores. And the
next time you're in Blockbuster, you'll pass by the DVD, and one of you will
turn to the other and ask, "Did we see that one?"
At least, I think that's what will happen. I don't know...I'm a little fuzzy on
the details of the movie right now. It's like all memory of the movie is slowly
leaking out of my brain.
What was I talking about?
Doesn't matter...but I have to run. I have to watch "It Runs In The
Family" to review it later on today.
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