Today's Review: Alien - The Director's Cut
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
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The Naked Critic
It's funny...you can watch the sequels to movies and like them, but it's not
until you re-watch the original that you realize that they really aren't all
that good in comparison.
For example, you can watch "Police Academy - Mission To Moscow" a
hundred times. You can laugh at the antics of Jones, Tackleberry, and
Commandant Lassard as they take on the Russian Mafia. But it isn't until you
watch the 1984 original - complete with Steve Guttenberg that you realize that
"Mission" really does pale in comparison.
Ahhh...I miss Steve Guttenberg.
Anyway this, in my roundabout way, brings me to "Alien". Since its
initial 1979 release, we've seen the very cool James-Cameron-directed
"Aliens", David Fincher's not-too-terrible "Alien 3", and
Jean-Pierre Jeunet's thoroughly mediocre "Alien: Resurrection". And,
next year, we can look forward to the bound-to-suck "Alien Vs.
Predator".
So the timing is just right for a re-release of the original masterpiece. Sure,
they COULD have waited another year and made it a "25th Anniversary"
release, but I figure Sir Ridley knows how badly "Alien Vs. Predator"
is going to suck, and he wants us to remember the original fondly.
Plus, this time out there are scenes that were never in the original theatrical
release, hence the "Director's Cut" designation. They don't really
add a lot to the movie itself...and they're available on the DVD (or so I
understand), so it's essentially a slightly longer "Alien".
But you know what? It doesn't matter...it's still a great movie. It really is
one of the best horror films of all time, and other than some of the stylistic
choices and computer graphics, it could easily pass muster today...that's how
effective it is, even after all these years.
The movie starts off by introducing us to the Nostromo, a large vessel carrying
20 million tons of ore through space. Slowly. Very, very slowly. Roughly the
first 21 minutes of the movie consist of this behemoth of a ship cruising by
the camera. And, before one of you lectures me on the vastness of space,
relative to the size of the ship giving it the ILLUSION of being slow, don't
bother. The thing is SLOW. A Segway cruising through space would go faster than
this thing.
The seven crewmembers are all in some suspended-animation-type sleep over the
course of the long journey (which would probably only take a week if the damn
ship WENT faster than 6 mph). Suddenly they're all awakened by
"Mother", the ship's on-board computer, played in the movie by what
looks like an old Radio Shack TRS-80. This is one of the few points in the
movie where it really shows its age.
An aside: For a moment, I laughed at the damn fool notion that a lousy TRS 80
could run an entire ship. Then, after much pondering, I decided it was actually
a pretty good idea. Can you imagine if the Nostromo was powered by, say, a PC
running Windows ME? The crew wouldn't be able to sleep through their
journey...they'd be waking up every 15 minutes by the Blue Screen of Death
after a runtime error.
This has been your Microsoft Joke Of The Day.
So, after they all rub the sleep out of their eyes, Captain Dallas (Tom
Skerritt) informs them all that they're actually still 10 months away from
Earth. (Which, considering the Nostromo's speed, means they're just down the
street. Thank you.) and that they've intercepted a distress call of
"unknown origin." Since there's something in their contracts that
says they have to investigate this type of signal, they head toward a planetoid
to check it out. This proves 1 of 2 things to us: 1) either they're adventurous
at heart, or 2) they can't bring themselves to read a contract before accepting
a job.
So, 3 of them head out to the source of the signal, which appears to be a Big
Ass Spaceship from an alien civilization. Because, when encountering an alien
civilization for the first time, you want to make sure you send scruffy miners
instead of, you know, scientists. It's imperative for our culture that the
first English words a superior race learns from us are "Then Charlie said
he wasn't gonna f****' pay me for my goddamn overtime."
Well, in the course of investigating this ruined ship, Kane (John Hurt)
discovers some very funky looking eggs. As he pokes and prods, one of them
opens up, at which point he's promptly attacked by what looks like some kind of
alien calamari.
And this is my one major quibble with the movie, and I have a feeling it's just
me: The other 2 crewmembers, Dallas and Lambert (Veronica Cartwright)
presumably find him, with this calamari attached to his face, and they pick him
up and drag him back to the ship. I would NEVER do this...the man's been
obviously attacked by a violent life form that they know nothing about...WHY
would they bring it back? If I was in that situation, and YOU were the one with
the funky calamari on your face, you'd be staying RIGHT where you are, Junior,
and I'd be getting the hell out of there.
Hey, if you don't like it, fine. Don't go into space with me.
Meanwhile on board, Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) has much the same misgivings and
refuses to let them on. Either she's the only one with common sense, or she's
the only one who's as cruel and heartless as me....that's your judgement to
make. However, Ash (Ian Holm) lets them in anyway, and they bring calamari-face
with them.
And it's not even good calamari, either. Good, quality calamari should be
somewhat chewy and juicy. However, the juice should NOT be molecular acid that
can eat through several hulls of a spaceship. Those shifty bastards at Red
Lobster apparently disagree with me about that, but I'm standing firm and still
waiting for my refund.
Once this thing gets off Kane's face, he seems none the worse for wear. They
decide it's about time to make that long, SLOOOW trip back to Earth, and decide
to let Kane have one last meal before tucking themselves in for the voyage.
Now, I'm pretty sure everyone knows what happens next, because it's one of the
most famous scenes in horror-film history. But, ever vigilant about not
"spoiling" movies, let me just say this...it appears that Kane has
consumed something that doesn't QUITE agree with him...with hilarious
results!!
Then the Alien chases them through the ship, picks them off one-by-one, yadda
yadda yadda.
A lot of "classic" Sci Fi films don't age well, but that's not the
case here. That alien is every bit as terrifying to look at now as it was 24
years ago. Sure, some of the other parts of the movie are very 70's. Apparently
the set designers firmly believed in the "random flashy lights"
theory of Sci Fi set design. But the only other part of it that really looks
disco-era is the wardrobe. Their jumpsuits all have "Nostromo" on the
back in that bubbly, 70's font that used to spell out words like "Dance
Fever" and "Boogie Wonderland".
These are all minor quibbles in a fantastic movie. And a big part of the
effectiveness of the film is the cast, which is excellent. In addition to the
aforementioned actors, there's also Harry Dean Stanton and Yaphet Kotto...so
you've got an entire cast of quality character actors, which you sadly don't
see in this type of movie any more.
An aside: At the screening I attended, there was a special guest...Yaphet Kotto
himself! This was quite a thrill for me, as I'm a long-time admirer of his
work. So I got to meet him! And by meet him, of course, I mean that I yelled
out "I loved you in 'Homicide'!!!" from 75 feet away while everyone
else applauded. So yeah, I met him. Nice guy, from what I can tell.
Keep in mind, I've seen "Alien" before...of course, I was about 11,
and it was on TV. But as I sat in the theatre watching it, I was scared all
over again. That's one quality that's - quite frankly - missing from all of the
sequels. It doesn't simply rely on the "Boo!" factor of inducing
fear. Right from the first time Kane lays his eyes on those eggs, you've got
this palpable feeling of dread.
Plus, because it's a 70's pic, the gore is more-or-less restrained. The
"Dinner Table" sequence is admittedly nasty, and one of the new
scenes (which, without spoiling it, shows you the "aftermath" of a
couple of encounters) is pretty cringe inducing as well...so much so that it
was likely cut from the original because people may have felt that it was too
dark, and went too far.
This movie is legendary for a reason...I highly recommend checking it out on
the big screen while you have the chance. Besides, it's Halloween, and there
aren't any other really GREAT horror flicks out right now.
You might not want to eat any calamari the night you see it though. Especially
after reading this. It'll probably just seem too nasty.
You're welcome.
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