Today's Review: Kill Bill Vol. 1
Starring: Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu
Written and Directed by: Quentin Tarantino
Rating: 3 and a half (out of 5)
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The Naked Critic
An Open Letter To A Pair Of A******s.
Dear A******s:
Hi. You don't know me. I'm The Naked Critic. You met me once, at a theatre
playing Quentin Tarantino's "Kill Bill, Vol. 1"
If you don't remember me, that's ok. I was the guy sitting directly in front of
you, as you idiots talked through the entire f*****g movie.
You may not remember me, but I remember you. You're a couple. One, a guy who
had already seen the movie, and the other, the girlfriend who hadn't seen
it.
Before I go any further, I just want to make something clear. I hate you both.
Utterly, completely, and without a shadow of a doubt. I spent 2 hours, during
Quentin's homage to the kung-fu movies of the '70s, wishing you dead.
Let me start from the beginning.
On Friday night, I decided to treat myself to a pair of movies, after an
especially rough week. Since I write a movie review column, I thought I would
then write about them. I'm actually a fairly competent critic. You should
subscribe to my column.
Anyway, that's neither here nor there. The point is that, thanks to you, I
can't really review the movie - which could potentially be brilliant - because
you ruined it for me.
You know the movie. It's about a former assassin, who remains unnamed through
the entire movie. She's known as either "Black Mamba" or "The
Bride". In fact, when her real name is mentioned, it's bleeped out. I know
this, because you - "Guy A*****e" - made sure to tell your girlfriend
- "Girl A*****e" - all about this before it even happened.
It turns out that, for some reason, The Bride is almost murdered on her wedding
day by her ex-squad mates. They kill everyone there, except The Bride (who is
pregnant). They think The Bride is dead, but she isn't. Guy A*****e, you were
kind enough to point this out 3 TIMES, over the course of the movie. You're a
real cinematic scholar. I mean, normally it would take an IQ of at least 40 to
figure out that she survived. But you astutely kept pointing that out, saving
the rest of us from all that annoying thinking. Thanks.
So, after spending several years in a coma, The Bride wakes up, with one thing
on her mind. Revenge. Then, the bloodletting that you, "Girl A*****e"
hated so much starts. I know you hated it, because you were kind enough to say
things like "Fake Blood!" every time we saw it in the movie.
An aside: I'm no doctor, and would never pretend to be. That having been said,
Girl A*****e, I'm very glad you were at this screening. You see, had you not
been there, I would have seen the gratuitous blood being squirted all over the
screen, and I would have thought "Hmmm...that doesn't seem realistic. I
think perhaps Tarantino is going overboard to further honor the blood-spattered
kung-fu movies of the past. But then again, perhaps this is a realistic
depiction of what happens when arms get cut off. I just don't know."
Thankfully, you were there to loudly scream "THAT'S SO FAKE!!!!!"
every single time there was blood on screen. I was ALMOST sure it was fake, but
thanks to your astute observations, I now know for sure.
Back to the movie: Once The Bride wakes up from her coma, she decides to take
revenge on the people who tried to kill her. These people include Copperhead
(Vivica A. Fox), Cottonmouth (Lucy Liu), California Mountain Snake (Darryl
Hannah), and Sidewinder (Michael Madsen). I was thinking that there was
something odd about these codenames. Fortunately, Guy A*****e, you were there
to point out that all the nicknames were those of snakes. And, fortunately, I
didn't forget, because you said it roughly 27 times over the course of the
movie.
Now, the movie jumps back and forth in time. This is a tactic that Tarantino
uses a lot, especially in "Pulp Fiction". He does it here too...a
lot. This could confuse some people, but hopefully, Guy A*****e, you'll be
attending many showings of this movie. That way, you can tell everybody - the
way you told us - every time a timeline shift happens. "Oh, this is in the
past!" you'd helpfully offer, or "Ok, this is 4 years ago" you'd
say, accompanying the on-screen text that read "4 Years Ago."
Apparently, Girl A*****e can't read, because you told her things like this all
through the movie. Now, I'm pretty sure there were no visually impaired people
at the theatre, but your constant reading of the subtitles out loud would
really be a boon for the blind, should they show up, so keep up the good
work!
So, generally, the movie follows the efforts of The Bride to get even with
everyone responsible for her "murder". And Girl A*****e raised a very
salient point in her characterization of the plot. Now, I wouldn't go so far as
to say - as she did - that it was "F*****g Lame-ass", but it is,
admittedly, a fairly simple premise.
I do have a quibble, Guy A*****e, and it's this: You said, about a dozen times,
how "F*****g brilliant" Tarantino is at writing dialogue. I disagree.
I think he's good, but that he writes every single character as if they were
Tarantino himself talking. And while it's a refreshing change from the type of
dialogue you normally hear in movies, I personally think that he runs the risk
of falling into a trap...I thought, more than once "Oh, that's a Tarantino
line."
However, I got the feeling that you were not in the mood to debate. After all,
every single time I turned around and asked you to be quiet, you'd say
"Shut the f**k up" and point at the screen. This led me to believe
that you weren't in the mood to discuss this point.
As far as Girl A*****e goes, I think you're right. The amount of blood is
excessive. However, I'd fall short of your characterization of the violence as
"F*****g Retarded." Remember, this is a tribute to a genre, as Guy
A*****e told you about 6 times. Now, this doesn't mean - as you said - that
it's a "retarded genre." It simply means that it's meant to be
enjoyed by someone other than you. I think your loud pronouncement to the
entire theatre that "Anyone who likes this is a f*****g moron," is
harsh.
Personally, I found the film to be good. Not "F*****g awesome", as
Guy A*****e said, and yet not "A waste of two hours" like Girl
A*****e said. It ends on a cliffhanger, which makes me curious as to how it
ends. So, I'll be in the audience for Vol. 2.
Of course, hopefully you two a*****es will not be there. While I'm stopping
short of wishing you dead, I'd really love for the pair of you to contract very
painful genital warts...for life.
And help me out, folks. Girl and Guy A*****e probably don't subscribe to the
column. So, if you happen to know the couple that attended the 7pm showing of
"Kill Bill Vol. 1" at the Rainbow Cinemas on Front St. in Toronto on
November 7th, 2003, please pass this along to them. I'd like them to know that
I want them to get crabs.
In closing, A*****es, I don't care which painful venereal disease you contract,
but please contract it soon. I hate you, and want you to suffer for the rest of
your lives. Perhaps in your next life, you'll understand that people who pay to
see movies don't want to hear your stupid, ignorant commentary. Sure, it's
probably wrong that I hate the pair of you more than I hate Slobodan Milosevic,
but you brought it on yourself. Next time you go to the movies, please shut the
f**k up.
Sincerely yours,
The Naked Critic.
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