Today's Review: Darkwolf (Direct To Video)
Starring: Samaire Armstrong, Ryan Alosio
Directed by: Richard Friedman
Rating: 1 (out of 5)
If you wish to subscribe email
The Naked Critic
I feel it's appropriate to start this particular review off with a quote from
director Richard Friedman himself:
"The concept behind (Darkwolf) was that we were going to make a great
looking movie, that had a ton of production value, for a budget that was not
normally associated with a movie of this quality." He then goes on to say
that they would have "CGI" and "A name cast" as well.
Now, far be it from me to say that he was ABSOLUTELY F*****G WRONG about all of
that. In fact, maybe it's the muscle relaxants and painkillers I'm taking
(courtesy of a back injury - don't ask) but I'm feeling very charitable about
this. Let's take these points, one at a time, and see if he can justify them.
NAME CAST: Uh, well, Tippi Hedren is in it. She hasn't been a "name"
since "Marnie" came out in 1964, but okay...besides, it's still
better than anything her daughter (Melanie Griffith) has EVER been in...oh, and
the guy who played the Captain in "21 Jump Street" is in it too. And
Jaime Bergman is sort of a name...as long as she has a nametag pinned to her
chest.
CGI: Oh, there's CGI all right. It looks like it's been taken from a bad
Nintendo 64 game, but strictly speaking, I guess it's
CGI. LOW BUDGET: I think that's patently obvious.
A GREAT LOOKING MOVIE: Well, many of the cast members are attractive, and the
pointless soft-core lesbian photo shoot scene looked okay...I think this one is
stretching it, but let's move on...
A TON OF PRODUCTION VALUE: Okay, Rich, buddy, you've lost me here. It's a badly
written, poorly acted low-budget horror movie. I'm sure there is a union
regulation that clearly PREVENTS you from ever uttering the words
"production value" in reference to this movie. And, if there isn't,
then there damn well should be, you f*****g tool.
But don't just take MY word for it...let me tell you a little bit about the
disaster that is "Darkwolf".
The movie opens in a strip club...as all good movies do. It's true...rumor has
it that the opening scene of "Citizen Kane" was actually set in a
peeler bar. Apparently, Charles Foster Kane is getting a lap-dance from a
"dancer" dressed in a nurse's outfit when he sputters the word
"Rosebud" and knocks over his $6 bottle of Budweiser, which tumbles
to the ground and shatters. This opening, of course, was too racy for the day,
and so no movie has been able to duplicate it until "Darkwolf."
So, we're exactly 19 seconds into the movie before we have our first shot of
gratuitous nudity. At this point, the camera pans around the room for the next
2 minutes, showing us a lot more gratuitous nudity. This is inter-cut with
half-second flashes of a wolf-like creature running down the streets of LA.
Then, a full 2 minutes or so into the film, the first line of dialogue is
spoken. And, while it's not as memorable as "Rosebud", the line
"Oh yeah, baby, you know what Daddy likes, don't you?" has a certain
amount of resonance all its own.
An aside: It is a bit of a confusing line, though. I mean the line is spoken by
a fat, greasy guy to the young, nubile lap-dancer grinding her pelvis into him.
So, she knows what Daddy likes? Big deal! I know what Daddy likes too! After
all, I lived with the man for the first 20 years of my life. I fail to what
this stripper knowing that my father likes "A hot meal and cold beer on
the table when I walk in the door from work, and no backtalk from that
smartassed kid of mine," has to do with werewolves in Los Angeles.
So, the revelry of the strip club is interrupted by a big biker (Kane Hodder)
charging through the door, followed by 3 gun-toting cops. (This happens a
lot...a...friend...of mine told me.) Biker Guy takes one of the strippers
hostage as the three cops bark orders at him, causing his eyes to glow deep
red. I'm guessing we're supposed to know that means he's a werewolf, but
there's a dude I work with whose eyes are ALWAYS that red, and he says it's
just from the pot. At any rate, they nail the biker and cuff him.
Now we're transported to an entirely different movie. In this one, which is
reminiscent of Louis Malle's brilliant "My Dinner With Andre", two
people are having a deep conversation. Only, instead of a restaurant, they're
in a car. And rather than discussing Life, they're debating whether or not the
man, Tom (Aaron Van Wagner) should allow his girlfriend to pose for nude
photos. The other party to this fascinating dialogue isn't the girlfriend, but
her friend Stacey (Andrea Bogart), who points out in eloquent fashion that the
photos in question are "nudes, idiot, not girlie pics. Wayne's an artist,
not a pornographer!" Ah, Stacey...your way with words would make Dorothy
Parker swell with pride. Stacey points out that the as-yet-unseen girlfriend's
medical school won't pay for itself. This was news for me...sorry, gang. I
won't be "Naked Critic, M.D." any time soon.
Back to movie A: Apparently, Biker guy doesn't like being locked up, so he
transforms into a wolf and rips his way out of the paddy wagon, killing 2 cops
in the process. One of the cops is Hartigan (Stephen Williams) who, quite
frankly, looks relieved that he's being killed off this quickly. This causes
the remaining 2 cops to return to headquarters. One, Turley (a mannequin
come-to-life named Ryan Alosio) is pure angst, while McGowan (Jaime Bergman -
no relation to Ingmar, strangely enough) hasn't got the slightest clue what's
going on. We know this through the following clever line of dialogue...
"This is some secret operation, right? You're DEA...or FBI...or working
with...the DEA...or FBI."
At this point, she clearly runs out of acronyms. Otherwise, she could have
easily accused Turley of working with the DOJ, DOD, CIA, CCR, BTO, or
UNICEF.
Finally, Turley cracks, and tells her that the unit that she's joined is
actually in charge of policing werewolf activity in the city. Now, how McGowan
managed to join this unit, and go out on missions with them, without KNOWING
this is a question best left to a competent screenwriter. Instead, Turley just
barrels ahead and says that there are 2 forms of werewolves, pure blood and
hybrid, and that the bad ones are hybrids...whatever. For me, the best part of
this scene is when he challenges McGowan with the following Nobel-Prize winning
bit of dialogue:
TURLEY: You're either with me or against me. You have exactly zero seconds to
decide!
MCGOWAN: Give me a second!
I swear to Christ I didn't make that up.
Now we switch to movie C, where we meet Josie (Samaire Armstrong), a sweet
diner waitress who likes to feed the cleanest homeless woman in LA (Tippi
Hedren), conveniently located in the alley outside. Apparently, Josie's role in
life is to just be cute, so they got the right person to play her. Armstrong is
kind of like a poor man's Renee Zellweger. And by poor man's, I mean it would
probably only cost me about a million dollars to get her to go out with me,
while the letter from Renee's lawyer told me that she'd cost me about $10
million.
But now, all the movies converge into one single crap-fest. You see, Josie is
the one at the center of the nude picture debate. And it turns out she's also a
werewolf-in-waiting, being protected by the bag lady. And if that's not enough,
she's a "pure" werewolf, and "hybrid" werewolf Biker Guy is
after her, because if he can MATE with her, then humanity is doomed or
something stupid like that. And since the Darkwolf doesn't really know who she
is, he's going by instinct...and THIS means that anyone Josie touches is
carrying her scent. I smell a body count!
Along the way, we meet a few other characters, like photographer Wayne (Beau
Clark), who appears to only exist to be a marginally less wooden Keanu Reeves.
And then, despite the carnage, Stacey and another female character manage to
take the time to paint themselves up to look like werewolves and have sex with
each other on a rooftop during a photo shoot.
There's so much bad about this movie that I don't know where to start. Well,
okay, for starters I can mention that Jaime Bergman is officially the worst
actress on the planet. Watching that vacuous head of hers mouth this horrendous
dialogue is so painful that it momentarily made me forget about my back pain.
The same goes for Alosio, who appears to have gone to The Gap Police Academy.
Even Tippi Hedren, who once upon a time was a decent actress, is horrible here.
Let me put it to you this way...Biker Guy is played by Kane Hodder, best known
for playing Jason in several "Friday the 13th" movies. He out-acts
most of the cast.
Oh, and for those of you with kids, listen up: Sasha Williams, the other woman
in the nude-photo-shoot-making-out-on-the-rooftop scene, is also currently
starring as the Yellow Power Ranger. So the next time your kids watch Power
Rangers, you'll be giggling your ass off.
But to be fair, they've got zero to work with. This script is the worst written
piece of crap I've seen since my "It Runs In The Family" review. It's
just dreadful, on every single level. If the examples I've cited aren't enough,
here's one more for you: cop Turley is comforting the dying bag lady, who says
he has to protect Josie. Turley says the following:
"But...I'm not a protector."
Um, hello...douchenozzle? SECOND WORD ON YOUR F*****G BADGE, A**WIPE!!!!
"To PROTECT And To Serve." No wonder this jackass has been relegated
to the LAPD's version of the X-Files...he's plainly retarded.
I've given it a 1, rather than a 0. There are 2 reasons for that. One is
Samaire Anderson, who turns in the only halfway decent performance in the
movie. I mean, it's not Oscar-worthy, but she does show a lot of potential.
Apparently, she's on that new FOX show "The O.C.", which I haven't
seen. Hopefully she continues to do well so she can remove this blight from her
resume.
The other thing is that this is so "Ed Wood" bad that it's actually
hysterically funny. It's a crying shame that "Mystery Science Theater
3000" is off the air, because this one is right up their alley. The
funniest moment comes when Turley and Josie see a news report on some carnage.
They're watching this on TV, and the camera shifts from the reporter to Biker
Guy, whose eyes glow red again.
So, you've got a cameraman, at a crime scene, shooting a reporter giving a live
report...and the CAMERAMAN decides to focus on the big mongoloid biker NEXT to
the reporter? Unless the news program in question is actually "Gay
Leather-Man Fetish News", there really is no excuse for that.
So, if you're looking for a movie that you and your buddies can sit around and
mock, by all means, give this one a look. Or, you know, if you have a gay
leather-man fetish or love pointless scenes of body-painted lesbian sex that
last 8 minutes. Otherwise, do something a little less painful...like listening
to that "Stacey's Mom Has Got It Going On" song repeatedly for 90
minutes.
BACK
|
|
|