Today's Review: The Missing
Starring: Tommy Lee Jones, Cate Blanchett
Directed by: Ron Howard
Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)
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Before I get into the review, there's something I think I must address, on behalf of moviegoers everywhere.
When I went to this screening, I - as I often do - went alone. This particular screening - which was about a week and a
half before the movie opened - was a "public" screening, which meant that contest winners and other people
were there, rather than just critics.
Now, in a situation like this, they always give out more passes than there are seats "to ensure capacity." If
I'm alone, I ALWAYS look for a single seat in between people. You know how people like to leave that one-seat
"buffer zone?" I fill that zone. And I do it for 2 reasons. 1) The "Buffer Zone" is f*****g rude
when you're in a full theatre, and 2) I refuse to deny a group the right to sit together in a crowded theatre by taking
one seat of an available set.
So I looked for a single seat. Near an aisle, I spotted a pair. The couple in front of me asked the woman on the aisle,
who I'll refer to as "Bitch", if the 2 seats were available.
"No," she said. "I'm waiting for my boyfriend. There's just that one seat."
So, the couple moves on, and I grab the single seat. As the theatre got progressively full, she told single-seat
seekers that the empty one was taken as well.
As the movie starts, I look over and think to myself "Hmmm...her boyfriend is going to miss the beginning."
About halfway through, with the seat still empty, I begin to worry that her boyfriend may have fallen ill. But, seeing
as Bitch was just sitting there with a smug grin on her face, it became plainly clear to me that she had lied.
Doesn't seem like a big deal? Let me put it this way...Bitch LIED about a seat being occupied, so that she could have
her precious f*****g "Buffer Zone". She denied at least a dozen people, including God-knows-how-many couples
before me, a comfortable seat with a decent sightline so she could have a place for her $20 jacket and $4 purse. People
were turned away from this screening because they couldn't find a seat...because she lied about this one being
taken.
Bitch, from me to you, let me say this: you EPITOMIZE bad manners, selfishness, and all that is wrong in the world. I
hate you more than I hate millipedes. Oh, and you're ugly, too. If you're reading this, and pulled this stunt at the
November 17th screening of "The Missing" at the Varsity Theatre in Toronto, know this: I have prayed every
single night since then that this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and that for the rest of your life, you will
never have anyone to share a movie with. Not even a pet.
There. That's better. On to the review.
Hey kids...do you like thrillers? Do you like westerns? Has your life been filled with the desire to see these two
genres cross over into a totally mediocre movie? Well then, have I got the film for you!
It's called "The Missing", and it's directed by Academy-Award Winner Ron Howard. Now, if you had asked me in
1977 if I thought Richie Cunningham/Opie Taylor would ever win an Oscar, I'd have laughed at you. Then again, I was 5,
and I laughed at pretty much everything. Especially if it was booger or fart related. As you can tell, not a lot has
changed.
Cate Blanchett plays Maggie Gilkeson, a "healer" living in late 19th Century New Mexico. Although she seems
to be a kind-hearted soul, she has a manic distrust of all things male. She's like "Doctor Quinn, Medicine
Womyn." This, of course, all comes out after we watch her extract the last, remaining tooth from an elderly woman.
If you have any sort of Dentist Phobia, close your eyes.
She lives on a ranch with her two daughters. Dot (Jenna Boyd) is a fiercely loyal, but stubborn, girl of about 10.
Meanwhile Lilly (Evan Rachel Wood) is a teenager and acting out. She hates the ranch life and wants to strike out on
her own, heading to the "big city". So, basically, she's like every other teenager. If this were set a
hundred years later, she's be wearing skin-tight black jeans and listening to Guns 'N' Roses a lot. They share their
ranch with the improbably-named Brake (Aaron Eckhart), a generally decent guy who is plainly in love with Maggie,
despite her objections.
Things get turned on their ear when Tommy Lee Jones shows up, suffering from some sort of injury. It turns out that
he's Samuel, Maggie's long-lost father. Back when she was a kid, he decided to up and leave his family one day, opting
to live with the Apaches instead. Apparently, the Native Americans have spent the last 20-odd years teaching him how to
put in hair extensions and speak with a stilted "Native" accent that makes him sound like a guest star on
"Bonanza".
Well, suffice it to say, but Maggie is none too pleased to see her Pop. She tells him bluntly that she'll treat his
injuries and then he has to skee-daddle. But, seeing as this is only about 15 minutes into the movie, one gets the
feeling that we haven't seen the last of him.
Soon afterwards, Lilly has decided that she's going to head into the city. I'm not exactly sure what her destination
was supposed to be, but I get the feeling that if all had gone well, she'd have wound up at an intersection in
19th-century Minneapolis, tossing her bonnet in the air and declaring that she was gonna make it after all. For safety,
Brake and some other ranch-hand dude promise to follow at a distance. And that, my friend, is when things get ugly.
Now, I'm no student of history. But apparently 19th Century New Mexico was crawling with bands of renegade Apaches, led
by mysterious and psychotic "brujos" (male witches to you or me) that would routinely kidnap young girls,
murdering anyone in their path, and then carting them to Mexico to sell them as sex slaves. Now, I'd never learned this
in school, but Ron Howard seems to think it happened all the time, because that's what happens to Lilly.
Well, what's a mother to do? Why, she should take off after them, heading in their general direction, along with her
10-year-old daughter, in order to try and get her back! I mean, it's obvious, when you think about it. Oh, and she
should also bring along her estranged father, who, having lived with the Native Americans, can now track with the best
of them.
Now don't get me wrong...this isn't a horrible movie. There's actually a fair amount to like. Jones and Blanchett are
great, as you'd expect. And the young Jenna Boyd does a fantastic job with some material that is pretty challenging,
especially for a kid. Howard's direction is solid as always, and we're treated to some beautifully shot landscapes.
It's well paced, despite some dead spots, and the action is well done. From a technical standpoint, this is actually a
very good movie.
Well, not all the acting is good. Well-known a*****e Val Kilmer shows up in a cameo as an army general. Not only does
he sleep is way through his role, but I'm pretty sure he didn't bother to learn his lines at all. If you see it, watch
for him...he seems to stumble over his lines at least twice. It would be embarrassing if it were anyone other than Val
Kilmer. But, because he's such a world-class d*****d, I got a kick out of it.
It's the content I object to, and I'll explain why.
Maybe it's just me, but the kidnapping of a teenage girl to be sold as a sex slave isn't my idea of a fun plot device.
Was this actually rampant at the time, or would something like this be an isolated incident? We don't know. This is
never addressed, leaving the attempted forced prostitution of this young girl as something simply to advance the story
along. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive (as you all know I am - sarcasm intended) but when you add all this to at
least one scene showing an attempted rape of Lillian...sorry, you've lost me. It just seems exploitative.
And then there's the Native factor. This movie tries to trick you into believing that it's a celebration of the Native
American culture, mysticism, and way of life. But they only really do this through Jones's character...a WHITE man. For
the most part, every single Native character is either a member of this murderous group, or a tool of the US Army who's
turned his back on his people. A couple of Native "Good Guys" show up later, but too late for me. It's like
they're saying, "Hey...our noble Native Americans had a gentle, mysterious way of life, which should be respected
and admired. But the Injuns themselves were all trouble."
And rubbing salt into that wound is the fact that the movie was released the day before Thanksgiving. Read what you
will into that.
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