Today's Review: Big Fish
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Albert Finney
Directed by: Tim Burton

Rating: 4.5 (out of 5)

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One day, I want people to tell tall tales about me. I want grandparents to sit kids on their knees and tell them all about my exaggerated exploits. They'd say things like:

"Did I ever tell you about The Naked Critic? Oh, that lad was something. As handsome as a hundred movie stars, he was. The ladies would swoon when he entered the room. Biceps like tree trunks, he had. He's the one that revolutionized the entire field of movie criticism, I tells ya. But before he won all them Pulitzers, he lived in an enormous castle, built entirely of pizza boxes and beer cans! I seen it with my own two eyes.with a line up of women trying to get in that stretched further than the eye can see!"

Well, the tall tales would sound something like that.only they'd EXAGGERATE me, rather than being that truthful.

Well sir, it's the tall tale that's at the centre of Tim Burton's latest film "Big Fish". It's this stunning story, full of exaggerated characters, unlikely events, and a central figure who seems larger than life from the get-go.

I've read some comparisons of this movie to "Forrest Gump", and I guess they're valid. They both have an eccentric main character, they both have a lot of flashbacks, and they both cycle through decades. The difference here, of course, is that "Big Fish" doesn't suck canal water.

The central character in this movie is Edward Bloom, played by either Albert Finney or Ewan McGregor. As the movie opens, the older Edward has a falling out with his son, William (Billy Crudup) over his incessant story telling.

Now, to be fair, William is a reporter, so he likes his stories very by the book and very factual. So, basically, he's boring, where his dad excites people.

Eventually, Edward starts to succumb to cancer, so his wife Sandy (Jessica Lange, or Alison Lohman in flashbacks) calls William back home from Paris so father and son can reconcile their differences.

An aside: Speaking of cancer, I'm deep in the throes of trying to quit smoking right now. As a result, I'm not feeling quite as creative or funny as I normally am. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling closer to.hmmm, what would be accurate? Ah! Homicidal! Yes, that's it.I'm feeling homicidal. So, if this isn't as funny as usual, well, that's why. Also, if I happen to start hallucinating halfway through the review and ranting about wanting to plunge a dagger deep, deep in the black, soulless heart of Carrot Top.well, let's just chalk that up to the smoking thing too, ok?

Now, William really wants to hear the true story of his father's life, but, gosh-darn it, it seems that Edward can't just tell a straight story.

We're then told the story of his life through about 75 gazillion flashbacks. I'm not kidding.there are so many flashbacks here that I'm surprised the fabric of space-time didn't actually collapse on itself. Timothy Leary suffered fewer flashbacks than this movie.

But it doesn't matter, because the story of Young Edward's life is wonderful.full of strange characters and wondrous events.

As a young lad, Edward was a gifted athlete, excelling at every sport in town.baseball, football, basketball, you name it. Exactly like me in high school. Well, almost exactly like me.with me, instead of baseball, football, and basketball, my sports of choice were drinking rum, listening to hair metal, and being rejected by women. But other than that, exactly like me.

Well, Edward thinks that he's too big for his little town of Ashton, Alabama, so he sets out on an adventure of mythic proportions. On the way, he encounters giants, werewolves, witches, poets, Siamese twins.you name it. And whether he's working in a circus, or visiting a town so perfect that nobody has ever left, he leaves his own indelible mark on the people he encounters. Again, just like me. Except the indelible marks Edward leaves aren't punctuated by restraining orders and nights in the local drunk tank.

Oh yeah, and through it all, William tries to learn to love his father's love of storytelling, while still trying to learn more about the real man. These scenes normally last about a tenth of a millisecond before jumping back to another flashback.

It's really hard to get into the plot of this movie without discussing the tales that Edward spins in greater detail. I'm not going to do that though.because they really are wonderful, and deserve to be seen first-hand.

An aside: There's one part I will tell you about, but it's in the trailer, so I'm not ruining anything. Besides, it sets up this anecdote. By now, you all know my hatred of people who talk in movie theatres.especially ones who are loud. Well, I came nanoseconds from being the target of disdain myself, all in the name of being a smartass. When Edward tells the story of his birth, we see his mother in the hospital, in labor. She pushes, and ZING! Out flies baby Edward like he was being shot out of a cannon. He lands on the hospital floor and slides down the hall.a good 50 feet. Finally, someone stops the baby and picks him up. I swear to you.the urge to stand up, umpire style, and shout "SAFE!" was OVERWHELMMING. But I didn't, which is probably why I still have a full set of teeth right now.

That's all the story I'm going to give away. I can, however, discuss the performances and some of the characters. McGregor and Finney are phenomenal as Edward. Finney's got a lock on an Oscar nomination for his role, and McGregor could land one too, if only because he gets robbed by the academy voters every year.

Although all the performances are good, 2 stood out for very different reasons. First, there's Robert Guillaume as Edward's doctor. He's not on screen much, but when he is, he gives a very warm and tender performance, especially near the end. And he seems to have recovered well from his stroke, so that's great to see.

The other is Danny DeVito, as Amos, the circus owner and ringmaster. He's great.one of his strongest performances. But.physically.it's like I'm looking at a slightly shorter Ron Jeremy. He really does have that Hedgehog look in this one. Like I said, his performance is great.but he's kind of creepy to look at. You know, just like the real Ron Jeremy. (If you don't know who Ron Jeremy is, don't ask, and for the love of Pete don't try looking him up on the web.you'll be in for a very unpleasant surprise.)

Burton expertly handles the direction of his actors, and the overall pacing of the movie itself. It's funny, touching, and just downright WEIRD in all the right places. There's no mistaking it for anything other than a Burton film. It's also fantastic to look at. The art direction and cinematography is absolutely superb, if you look for that sort of thing.

This is the movie to see this holiday season. It's fantastic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and spread some tall tales about myself. And only a few of them will involve my genitalia.

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