Today's Review: Stuck On You
Starring: Matt Damon, Greg Kinnear
Written and Directed by: Bobby and Peter Farrelly
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
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I can hear the pitch meeting now.
"Okay, okay guys, listen. We've got a winner here. So, it's a comedy about conjoined twins. And, like, they can't
get separated because one of them could die, right? But that's cool, because they LIKE being conjoined. And then, you
know, hijinks ensue."
Now, normally, you'd get driven out of Hollywood for an idea like that. But fortunately, this pitch came from the
Farrelly brothers, whose previous pitch meetings sounded a little like this:
"Okay, so this guy, he's a fat slob, but he's really shallow, right? So, he gets hypnotized and falls for this
really fat chick because he thinks she's hot. Oh! And Gwyneth Paltrow will be the one in the fat suit. Don't
worry...there's enough room in there for her Oscar if she feels uncomfortable."
Or this one:
"Okay, so like, there's a TON of guys, and they're all pretty much stalking Cameron Diaz. But it's a comedy,
right? It's not like real life, where that sort of thing is illegal! Oh, I almost forgot the best part...Cameron Diaz
rubs jizz in her hair!"
This may be the first time I've ever used the word "jizz" in a column. Sadly, I don't think it will be the
last.
The movie in question, of course, is "Stuck On You". And it's, quite frankly, a bit of a surprise. If you saw
"Shallow Hal", you know that the Brothers are capable of some very sweet stuff...when they're not making
crude jokes, that is. And, of all the words I can think to describe this movie, "Sweet" is the one that keeps
coming to mind.
Bob and Walt Tenor live in Martha's Vineyard, where they own and operate a successful fast food restaurant called
"Quickie Burger". They're the cooks, too, and the early scenes that show them working together to get the
food ready are as physically impressive as they are outright funny. I'm thinking it was at least 2 days of shooting in
order to get the minute or so of footage. Which makes me glad I'm not an actor...if I had to be strapped to Greg
Kinnear and flipping burgers around for 2 days, I'd be sharing a cell with Robert Blake right now.
What the movie lets us know right from the get-go is that the twins are lovable and popular. And this is the key right
here...the advertising tends to make it look like the movie is "Dumb and Dumber joined at the hip) but nothing
could be further from the truth. They're both very bright, intelligent guys who are pretty much playing the hand that
they were dealt.
An aside: The Farrellys do this really, really well. I hear people bitch and moan all the time about how they're
insensitive to the handicapped. As far as I'm concerned, people who say that have never seen the movies...you know the
types. They scream about how anything even remotely controversial is the "death of American values" without
ever seeing or hearing the product and yadda yadda yadda. As far as I'm concerned, you have no right being offended by
something if you only know about it through reputation. These douchebags will say things like "Oh, well, you know
in 'There's Something About Mary', I hear they made fun of the developmentally disabled. They should be strung up by
their nuts and fed to rabid wolverines for doing that. They're Satan's minions...well, of COURSE I haven't seen it...I
wouldn't LOWER myself to that level!"
Excrement.
First of all, nobody has the right to complain about things they haven't seen or heard. If you do that, you're setting
yourself as an asshole. King of the assholes is Ted Turner, who reportedly wanted to buy the prints of David
Cronenberg's "Crash" in order to destroy them because they were offensive. Of course, Mr. CNN never actually
SAW the movie...he had just heard that it was offensive. Which proves you can be a billionaire and a clueless t**t at
the same time. Sure, "Crash" was offensive, but only because Cronenberg somehow managed to make car crashes
and sex boring.
Secondly, the Farrellys write a lot of parts for the disabled (Handicapped? Handicapable? I'm way behind on the PC
speak.) And, for the most part, these parts are played as sweet, likable characters. Mary's brother in "There's
Something About Mary" wasn't funny because he was retarded. He was funny because he was a sweet-natured, lovable
guy, despite his handicap. The same with the guy in "Shallow Hal" who had Spina Bifida. I've heard that the
Farrellys are very active with charities and organizations that deal with the disabled and handicapped...I have nothing
to back that up, of course, I've just heard it.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you're one of these people who damn the Farrellys for portraying certain people as
characters, without seeing the results...well, you're ignorant. And, while I don't wish this on you per se, I wouldn't
be upset if a complete stranger walked up to you and punched you in the sack.
In "Stuck On You," they do this again...beyond the Twins. There's a character named Rocket who has (correct
me if I'm wrong) Down's Syndrome. The actor, Ray "Rocket" Valliere, actually has Down's Syndrome himself. But
his character is as capable and lovable as the rest. And, if you stick around for the credits, you'll be treated to
something very sweet from Rocket.
Okay, sermon over. Now back to the review and crude jokes. (In the future, this ranting will be confined to the blog
section of my website...coming soon!)
So, back to the movie. The Twins are pretty much successful at whatever they do. They're athletes, businessmen, and
Walt is a gifted actor, whom we see in the one-man show "Tru" (yes, one-man show...don't ask) In fact, the
acting bug has bitten Walt so badly that he wants to go to Hollywood to see if he can "make it" before he
gets too old.
Oh, the too-old thing is because Walt only has about 10% of their shared liver, so he ages faster. This is why they've
never been separated. I can't imagine only having 10% of a liver. I abuse 100% of mine as it is.
Bob's hesitant, but he agrees because they always promised each other that they wouldn't' hold each other back. Plus,
Bob has an Internet girlfriend (don't we all?) in LA.
Once they get to Hollywood, they manage to immediately befriend pretty much everyone there, too. Everyone, that is,
except the casting agents in town, who for some inexplicable reason, don't think casting conjoined twins would be in
their best interest. I don't know what they're worried about, myself. If you're willing to cast someone with Steve
Buscemi's teeth, conjoined twins should be no problem.
Finally, Walt is cast on a horrible television show starring Cher. She plays herself here, but she plays herself as an
angry, vain, attention-lusting prima donna. And I, for one, don't believe for a SECOND that the real-life Cher is like
that. The real Cher has got to be at least 15% less angry.
Is Hollywood ready for conjoined twins to be stars? I guess we'll see! Let the mayhem begin!
The main reason that this movie works is because the Twins are never portrayed as losers. They're bright, successful,
likable characters. But, at the same time, the Farrellys don't shy away from the broad physical comedy that goes along
with being joined at the hip. Those are the sight gags that could upset people, but I really hope they see past that.
As far as I'm concerned, casting them as the goalie in a hockey league is hysterical. Then again, I love fart jokes, so
what do I know?
The big surprise, performance-wise, is Matt Damon. I like the guy...he's charming, he has great teeth, and eyes you
could just get lost in (excuse me while I swoon) but he's never had a big, slapsticky role like this before, and he
pulls it off great. The guy's full of surprises...when I heard that he was cast as the lead in "The Bourne
Identity" I laughed out loud...but he handles this comedy as well as he handled the action in
"Bourne."
On the other side, there's Greg Kinnear (Other side! Get it! Oh mercy, I crack myself up...) as Walt. I've wanted to
hate Kinnear for years...I thought he was a smarmy talk show host, and furthermore, I don't think talk show hosts have
any business becoming actors (Although I think Dr. Phil would be excellent if they ever re-make "The Great
Santini"...can't you just picture him slamming a basketball into a kid's face and saying "You gonna cry? Huh?
You gonna squirt some?") But the damn guy keeps turning in good performances..."As Good As It Gets" and
"Auto Focus" being the standouts. He does it again here...and the scenes where he's "acting" he's
convincing as well. I think that Kinnear could actually pull off a one-man production of "Tru." So, fine.
Greg Kinnear's a good actor. Never repeat that I said that.
And Cher? She's hysterical. I feel so dirty saying that. Meryl Streep has a fantastic cameo as well.
On the downside, like I said, it's sweet. But sometimes, it's just TOO sweet. I'm surprised I didn't get a cavity. And
there's a sequence at the very end of the movie that's about 5 minutes too long. I won't ruin it, but it's painful.
But, it's still overall pretty good. I say give it a shot and see it. At least this way, if you're offended, you have
some evidence to back you up.
One final aside, and if you're not into being brought down, I recommend skipping it altogether.
About a half-hour into the screening of this movie, I felt the ground under me shake. I initially thought something
might have happened in the building, but nobody came in to evacuate us, and after a few minutes, I chalked it up to
being a low-level earthquake and got back into the movie.
After it was over, I left, only to see fire trucks, ambulances, and police cars all up and down the street.
It turns out that the theatre across the street - the legendary Toronto Uptown, had collapsed. They were in the middle
of demolishing it to make way for condos, and something went wrong. The rubble wound up tearing through an English
school next door. One person is dead, over a dozen hurt. And it all happened about 100 yards from where I was sitting,
watching Kinnear and Damon pretending to be stuck together in another movie theatre.
I don't mind saying, I was a little numbed by the incident. While people just outside were being rushed to hospital,
while tragedy was striking, I was across the street laughing. Had the screening been a half-hour later, I would have
been waking by when it happened.
Maybe I'm over-reacting. And maybe that's why my reviews haven't been as funny lately. But it's a thought I just can't
shake.
If nothing else, it kind of puts a lot of stuff into perspective.
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