Today's Review: Something's Gotta Give
Starring: Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton
Written and Directed by: Nancy Meyers
Rating: 4 out of 5
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You know, for a woman her age, Diane Keaton has a great set of breasts on her.
THAT got your attention, didn't it?
Good, because I'm starting this off with one of my tangents.
I'm a geek. I admit it. I like science fiction, comic books, video games, and Culdcept (which is a Japanese video game
hybrid of Magic: The Gathering and Monopoly...and I believe Culdcept actually means "Never kissed a girl" in
Japanese...THAT'S how geeky it is.). But, every once in a while, I encounter examples of Geek-dom that just make me
sad.
Up until the night of the "Something's Gotta Give" screening, the saddest thing I had ever seen was a guy
outside a movie theatre the day the first "Lord Of The Rings" movie opened. He was sitting, cross-legged, in
front of the security gate, with a few other eager "Rings" nerds, but he wasn't talking to them. A beefy guy
with a full beard, he was wearing a full-length cloak, and had a big staff in one hand. He was staring down, intensely
concentrating on the chessboard in front of him. Finally, he made a move and grinned to himself. He then turned the
board around 180 degrees and started staring at it intensely, playing the other side.
So, nearly 2 full years later, I'm at a screening of "Something's Gotta Give", waiting for my friend Freak.
Coincidentally, there was a preview screening of "The Return Of The King" in the same theatre. Standing right
at the front was a very sad-looking middle-aged man. As everyone passed by, he asked them "Do you have an extra
pass? Pass? Extra pass?" He was like some awkward, dorky reverse-scalper, or that guy that used to walk down Yonge
Street in the mid-80's muttering, "Hash? Hash? Hash?" to everyone. Had it not been for the chess player, I'd
have immediately crowned this guy as "Saddest Man Alive". I mean, come ON, pal...the movie opens in a few
days! You can wait! Why make a spectacle of yourself just to see this movie earlier than everyone else? The guys you
play Dungeons and Dragons with aren't going to be THAT impressed that you saw it early! (Okay, they'd probably die of
jealousy, but that's not the point...)
So Freak arrives, and we go in and take our seats. Then, about 15 seconds before the show starts, in walks
Reverse-Scalper, with a smug, pleased grin on his face as he hunted for a seat. Turns out he wasn't going through all
that to see "Return Of The King" early...it was to see "Something's Gotta Give" early.
Tell me THAT'S not the saddest thing you've ever heard.
Ok, story over. You don't want to read about that...you want to hear about the movie, or possibly a more detailed
description of Diane Keaton's breasts.
Okay, for starters, I'm obviously not the target audience for this movie. After all, I'm in my early 20's (give or take
10 years) and this is a romantic comedy about 2 people over 50. But, it's funny enough - and I'm talking
big-belly-laugh funny - that I really think that anyone could enjoy it.
Jack Nicholson plays Harry Langer, a 63-year-old hip-hop label owner and lothario. He's notorious for never dating
women over the age of 30, and by dating I mean of the "wham-bam" variety. Kind of like me, only most of the
"dates" I wind up on involve giving my credit card number over the phone and a per-minute charge.
His latest soon-to-be conquest is Marin Barry (Amanda Peet). She's aware of his reputation, but doesn't care. She's
into that sort of no-commitment serial-dating herself. Which means that, to most men reading this, she's a Good Catch.
She takes Harry up to her mother's place in the Hamptons for a weekend out of the city, and very probably a fair bit of
playing "Hide The Oscar."
As Harry is downstairs getting stuff out of the fridge in his underwear, in walk Marin's mother Erica (Keaton) and her
sister Zoe (Frances McDormand). Naturally, the site of a half-naked man rummaging through their fridge freaks them out
a little bit. Trust me...women HATE that. They always start screaming, and calling the cops, and reminding you that the
restraining order clearly states you're not supposed to be within a hundred yards of them...don't you just HATE it when
that happens?
Actually, my lawyer LOVES it when that happens, but that's a whole other story. Bloodsucker.
Well, Marin shows up and smoothes things over. Then there's the awkward "I didn't know YOU'D be here!" and
"I should have TOLD you I was coming up here!" conversation. The only thing missing is Mr. Roper leering at
the camera after a spicy double-entendre. So, they all agree that since they're all adults, they can all stay without
any awkwardness.
You know where THIS is going, don'cha kids?
Erica, as it turns out, is a very successful playwright. In the movie she's described as the most important female
playwright since Lillian Hellman (only, I'm assuming, without the depressing plays about suicidal lesbians) in fact,
she seems to be more like a female Neil Simon. She's also been single and relationship-free for years, but still
maintains a strong friendship with her director ex-husband.
Zoe, on the other hand, is a professor of women's studies...so when faced with a cultural specimen like Harry...well,
let's just say that they don't get along all that well. So, after some uncomfortable dinner talk, Harry and Marin
adjourn to the boudoir (Look at me with all the classy words in this sentence here! I'm SO the f****n' man right
now!)
Then Harry has a heart attack.
He gets rushed to the hospital, where he's treated (snicker)...sorry. He gets treated by (chuckle)...dammit! Okay, I
can do this...where he's treated by...by...
Oh f**k, I can't do this with a straight face. DOCTOR KEANU REEVES!
I'll pause while you all piss yourselves laughing.
Oh mercy, that's funny.
Harry's fine, but he needs to rest. And since there's no way he's well enough to travel back to the city, he has to
stay at Erica's beach house for a while. Erica, naturally, doesn't like this much, and likes it even less when Marin
takes off back down to the city, leaving them there alone.
Ahhhh.l'amour. She is in the air now, no?
Not so fast there, Chester. L'amour, she is definitely in the air, but the air is starting to get thick with it. Not
only do Harry and Erica start to feel things for one another, but Dr. Neo takes a shine to Erica as well. And, with him
being about 20 years younger than her, she winds up not being so critical of Harry's past dating habits any more.
And one of the few complaints I have about this movie is this: she's Diane Keaton. She's astonishingly beautiful, thin,
funny...her landing a guy that much younger than her doesn't - to me - feel like much of a stretch, or at least not as
much of a stretch as the movie seems to imply. Now, if Edie McClurg played Erica, now THAT would be something.
There's a LOT to like about "Something's Gotta Give", and it starts with the writing. It's whip-smart. It's
telling that the Erica character is a playwright, because that's what the movie reads like...a play. A really good
play...it would be on par with Neil Simon's best. That's not to say that it's all witty dialogue...there's some great
physical, slapsticky moments as well. Harry's heart attack scene and recovery at the hospital are hysterically funny.
So is the scene where Harry inadvertently gets an eyeful of a naked Erica. I should also add this...bravo to her for
committing to the scene.
There's also the fact that you've got 3 Oscar winners in the cast. Jack is...well, Jack. But that's great. He plays
Harry with enough charm and likeability that it's easy to believe he could land all these women. Keaton is fabulous as
well. There's talk of an Oscar nomination for her, and she deserves it. But, even better than their individual
performances are their scenes together. It's been a long time since I've seen 2 people on screen together with such a
natural chemistry. It's like they were born to play off each other. From an acting standpoint, it's incredible to
watch.
But the one who steals every single scene she's in is McDormand. It would have been easy to play the Zoe role as an
angry, militant woman, but instead, she's funny and sassy. It's a shame she's not in the movie more, because she just
OWNS her scenes. I say give her a nomination too.
Then there's Keanu...
There's no easy way to say this, but I think it's important to get it out there. I am utterly incapable of taking Keanu
Reeves seriously no matter what he does. The guy's capable of doing great work ("The River's Edge" comes to
mind) but...
I, like many movie fans, suffer from a psychological condition that makes it impossible to be charitable when it comes
to Keanu. I see that bobbing head of his and just laugh, no matter what it is that he does. I've even coined a phrase
for it. It's called "Keanuphobia". I was leaning toward "Whoaphobia" but "Keanuphobia"
just rolls off the tongue better. He's not bad here...he's actually pretty good. He's charming and likable. But I just
can't see past that BLAND façade of his. I think I'm just always going to be predisposed to make fun of him.
And, strangely enough...I'm okay with that. Acceptance is the first key to living with a condition like
"Keanuphobia".
So, I say give "Something's Gotta Give" a shot. Hey, the sad guy begging for the pass stood up and applauded
at the end, so if you don't take my word for it, take his.
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