The Naked Critic: Best and Worst of 2003
Hey kids!
I'm still behind on reviews, I know. But, for some reason, I've been SWAMPED by emails asking me for a "Year
End" list. I wasn't even going to do one, because, well, the column has only been running since August. Not really
a year, now is it? So that's how I responded.
At least, until someone named Jody emailed me with the following:
"Pussy. If Roger Ebert AND Harry Knowles can have year-end lists, then so can you. Unless, of course, they're
better critics than you."
Ok...gauntlet dropped, Jody. And I have this to say:
1) Of COURSE Roger and Harry are better critics than me! They make a MINT doing this for a living! I've yet to see dime
one! "Better," you say? They make a LIVING at it.
2) At the same time, I'm loath to say that they're better than me at anything. Pride, really. We've established that
I'm the best LOOKING movie critic around (not much competition, really...except for Bruce Kirkland from the Toronto
Sun...he's DREAMY!) So, what the hell?
Here you go...the First Annual Naked Critic Half-Assed Year-End List.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
PETER SARSGAARD, SHATTERED GLASS
I know he's winning all the critic's awards, but for a good reason. This is a guy who came out of relative obscurity,
and played a relatively non-showy role. Hayden Christensen was the flashy performance, but Sarsgaard...his character
wasn't necessarily flashy, or evil, or sympathetic. "Chuck Lane" was just a guy doing his job. But, more than
any other supporting role this year, I BELIEVED this performance. He didn't feel like he was "acting" at all,
and yet he held my attention from start to finish. That, my friends, is great acting.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
JUSTIN BARTHA, GIGLI
This was my first review, and a lot of people feel like I crossed the line here. I said in the review, about Bartha,
"I fervently pray that, some day soon, he'll be walking down Hollywood Boulevard and have a safe fall on
him." Some people thought I was over the top in wishing death on an actor. They, of course, would be right. Let me
clear this up though...I don't wish DEATH on him. I actually wish a safe would fall on him, and he'd SURVIVE! That's
worse, and that's how much I hated this kid and his performance. But, for the record, I don't wish death upon him.
Hollywood, never let this talentless douchebag make another movie.
MOST DISAPPOINTING SUPPORTING ACTOR:
JEREMY SISTO, WRONG TURN
Dude, you're a great actor. Please tell me you did it for the money.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
FRANCES McDORMAND, SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE
She's got probably less than 10 minutes of screen time, and yet she steals every scene she's in. Enough said.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
EVERYONE WHO ISN'T "KELLY" IN "FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY" Seriously, you all should have known better.
All you did was sing and expose flesh. I hope your parents don't know about this.
BEST BREASTS BARED BY A SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
KATHERINE ISABELLE, FREDDY VS. JASON
They're fantastic. Brief, but memorable. They're the only reason I want to see "Ginger Snaps 2"
BEST ACTOR:
BILL MURRAY, LOST IN TRANSLATION
To see him in this is to see one of the best depictions of loneliness, regret, and sadness ever depicted on film. The
Karaoke scene, with him singing "More Than This" and seeing how the words are hitting him even as he's
singing them, and his reaction afterwards in the hallway...that, my friends, is acting magic. I never thought Murray
was capable of such mature, internalized acting. I was wrong, and I'm glad to be. THIS is what acting is all about.
WORST ACTOR:
JUSTIN GUARINI, FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
Holy shit. Not only is he a bad singer, he's a bad actor as well. The single-worst performance of the year. Even worse
than the retarded kid from "Gigli". Even worse than the inbred hillbillies of "Wrong Turn". And
don't get me STARTED on the hair.
BEST ACTRESS:
DIANE KEATON, SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE
Heartbreaking and hysterical at the same time. Her best performance since Annie Hall. I'd have given this to her even
without the brave nude scene, but for her to have the stones to do that as well? As perfect a performance as you're
going to see from an actress. She's so good, you don't for a MOMENT not believe that Keanu Reeves' much younger doctor
could fall in love with her. I damn near did as well.
WORST ACTRESS:
JENNIFER LOPEZ, GIGLI
Two words: Gobble gobble.
BEST OVERALL MOVIE "MOMENT":
THE POPCORN SCENE, BIG FISH
I've always been a big believer in "moments". They're those scenes that, after seeing a movie, will stay with
you for life. The single-greatest "moment" I saw all year was in "Big Fish". It's in the
commercials, so I'm not really ruining it. Edward (Ewan McGregor) sets eyes on the woman he's going to marry, and falls
in love on the spot. As he tells it, when you see the woman you're meant to marry "Time Stands Still". At
this point, everything on screen is frozen except for McGregor, and he makes his way toward her. Since time is standing
still, he needs to get some things out of his way...namely, popcorn, which is in the process of being spilled. He
gently brushes the kernels of popcorn out of his way as his gaze is fixated on the object of his affection. This one
MOMENT, McGregor gently brushing popcorn out of mid-air, caused me more joy than any other scene of the year. If you've
seen it, you know. If you haven't, it's worth seeing the movie - which is great - just for this scene.
WORST OVERALL MOVIE "MOMENT":
THE "VAGINA" SCENE, GIGLI
Could go down in history as the worst scene in movie history. Not sexy, not funny, not watchable.
BEST SCENE IN A BAD MOVIE:
THE TREETOP KILL, WRONG TURN
You'll know it when you see it. It's a very cool "kill scene". Unfortunately, the movie is such ass that it
will be lost forever. And rightfully so. It's 10 cool seconds buried in an entire movie of suck.
BEST MOVIE I DIDN'T REVIEW:
FINDING NEMO
Holy crap, what a fantastic movie. One of these days, Pixar is going to get sick and tired of making masterpieces. I
only hope I'm dead and buried when that day comes. Hands down, the funniest movie I've seen all year, reviewed or not
reviewed. Smart writing, stunning animation, and the best voice acting EVER in an animated movie. Ellen DeGeneres is,
let's face it, not a great actress as a rule, but her "Dory" is so funny, and the timing so perfect, that I
was literally blown away. It's a treasure. And, in closing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"
WORST MOVIE THAT I DIDN'T REVIEW:
TEARS OF THE SUN
I can't think of anything more horrific than Ethnic Cleansing. When a movie uses THAT as a minor plot device, you're in
trouble. There aren't many redeeming qualities about this movie, and it stands as the only movie of the year that
flat-out offended me.
BEST MOVIE THAT I COULDN'T REVIEW:
CAPTURING THE FRIEDMANS
One of the best documentaries that I've ever seen, and the story behind the movie is equally fascinating. Andrew
Jarecki co-founded MovieFone, and sold it not long ago to - I believe - AOL, for about 86 gajillion dollars. He then
decided to MAKE a movie, and decided to do a documentary about birthday party clowns. As he did his research, he came
across David Friedman, New York's #1 Birthday Clown. Through interviews, he finally realized that David was the eldest
son of a family that was ruined by scandal in the 80's. His father and younger brother were accused of heinous crimes
involving minors. At the time, David documented the internal struggle of his family on his new video camera. The result
of all of this is that, years later, people get to see what the family went through on the inside. I don't want to get
into too much detail, but I will say this: The resulting picture of a family torn apart is the raw-est picture of pain
you will ever see. And it's not one-sided either...at the special screening I attended, there were plenty of people who
thought the accused were guilty, and many who thought they were not guilty. Given the subject matter, there's no way I
could talk about this film and be funny, so I didn't review it. But, in hindsight, I wish I had. This film deserves to
be seen.
GUILTY PLEASURE OF THE YEAR (UNREVIEWED)
DAREDEVIL
Hey, I'm a comic book nerd. It was a movie made by nerds, for nerds. It wasn't great, and to be honest, I regret my Day
Job rating of 4 out of 5, but for all its faults, I still liked it. Sue me.
WORST ACCENT OF THE YEAR
COLIN FARRELL, PHONE BOOTH
Actually a great movie, but his Brooklyn accent was awful.
SURPRISE OF THE YEAR
KATIE HOLMES, PHONE BOOTH/PIECES OF APRIL
As it turns out, she's not only really cute, but she can act, too. And this isn't about being hot for her, because I've
already seen her breasts (in The Gift). This is about surprisingly good performances.
BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR:
LOST IN TRANSLATION
This was a toughie. After all, I have a day job, and I review a LOT of crap. So, movies like "Mystic River"
and "Cold Mountain" I didn't even get to see. However, based on the roughly 100 movies I saw this year on
screen or DVD, this is my favourite. Go back and read the review to see the gushing remarks, but in short, it's just
plain beautiful. The greatest "repressed love" story I've ever seen. It's also the only movie this year that
I PAID to see twice.
WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR:
WRONG TURN
Actually, it's the worst movie I've ever seen. I know I singled out "Gigli" more in this list, and I even
praised a scene in "Wrong Turn", but that's no excuse. In fact, all that proves is that "Gigli" was
more memorable than "Wrong Turn". The movie is not only bad, it's un-memorably bad. Pathetic, really. Not
even worth a free rental.
So there you go...my list for 2003. Now it's off to bed...I have a lot to review for you in 2004, so I need my beauty
sleep. Nighty night!
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